How to Get Good Duck A collection of fascinating ramblings and conclusions. I mean fascinating. Statistics Unique Visitors: Total Unique Visitors: Outgoing: Total Outgoing: 0 0 2 1027

Articles from How to Get Good Duck

Jesus Fly Away Day 2007-05-18 03:07:00 Forgive me father, who (maybe) art in heaven, for I am about to sin. I believe you and your peeps call it blasphemy.Oh, blasphemy, you rough-sounding word, you poor little jumble of letters, how unfortunate that all associated with your usage is overwhelmingly negative! Oh, how stressful to feel that each utterance of your syllables shall be frowned upon and cast aside! Oh, how joyful it would be if once, just once, your name could be used in times of glee and joy and positivity, as in "Gee, that was some really nice blasphemy" or "Mmmm, is that blasphemy you're wearing?" or "Hey... a round of blasphemy on me!" Alas, no. Not-a-chance. Bad, blasphemy. Bad, bad blasphemy.Yesterday was Kristihimmelfärdsdag here in Sweden, which roughly translates into Christ's Heaven Journey Day. Or as it is known to the English-speaking devotees, Ascension Day. I say the devotees because I, not being a Goddie, really had no idea that there was such a day, and therefore that it had an English name. And ...

Porter's Words Send Ducks and Wings to Playoffs 2007-05-16 05:09:00 I had the pleasure of interviewing Henrik Zetterberg of the Detroit Red Wings and Samuel Påhlsson of the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim a couple months ago for an article I wrote for www.sweden.se. At the end of each interview, I said, "Good luck in the playoffs." It turns out my words ended up guiding both players and their teams to the race for the Stanley Cup.Little did I know that these five words would have such an impact on these players. It was as if I opened up a new world of possibilities for both of them. Just to test my new found powers, I whispered, "Good luck winning the lottery" to my wife as she headed into town yesterday. Nothing yet, but it's still early.The two teams are battling it out in the 2007 NHL Western Conference Finals. Detroit currently leads the seven-game series by 2-1.Tags: * comedy * humor * funny * silly * hockey * Western Conference Finals * Henrik Zetterberg * Samuel Påhlsson * magic * ice * Anaheim Ducks * Detroit Red Wings ...

The Time 100s 2007-05-15 03:58:00 Time's 100 Most Influential People in the World has hit the stands, and includes the folks seen below and then some. I must admit that I got a little tired toward the end of the list, and skipped over Eric Lie and Bernard Arnault. They are probably much more important than Angelina and Brad, but that didn't stop me from reading both of Brangelina's entries... twice. The Alt TIME 100 was also published last week, for those of us who need to give props to Anna Nicole for dying so gracefully... and stuff. Despite the facts that they were sort of grasping at straws a bit to count to 100, and that it was apparently a Joel Stein rush job (typos and such), it made me laugh. The cast of characters who helped him to decide the Alt 100 are worthy of some sort of list of their own. technorati tags:Time, list, 100, ALT, 100, Time, Magazine, Influential, people ...

Hometown Baghdad 2007-05-15 01:59:00 In State of Denial, Bob Woodward claimed that Henry Kissinger meets with the Prez every other month, and with Mr. Cheney once a month. Hell, it's been years since he's had Nixon to kick around, so he's probably a bit bored and needs to tell somebody what to do. Unfortunately for the entire planet, Kissinger digs all this Iraq war crap, and has said to the head cheese that "victory ... is the only meaningful exit strategy for Iraq." That's like telling a seven-year-old that it's not how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose. Thanks, Hank.If you haven't taken a look at Hometown Baghdad yet, you should. It is another YouTube success, focusing on life in Baghdad right now, from the POV of some Iraqi 20-somethings in the capital city. Shot in Baghdad and edited in New York, it's a pretty interesting take on the turmoil in Iraq. I don't believe Hometown Baghdad represents all Baghdad-ians, since these guys appear to have a little more cushion financially than your average ...

Romney says Voters Will Accept a Moron 2007-05-14 07:53:00 ...err, I mean Mormon...I read a while back that when Orrin Hatch originally entered the Presidential race for 2000, he mentioned that he was doing so to "stir things up a bit" or something like that. What he wanted to stir up was a 1999 Gallup poll that showed that 17% of registered voters would not vote for a Mormon NO MATTER WHAT. Other than the fact that Mormons do exactly what they're told to do, stay away from the caffein and the alkeehol, (secretly) love the polygamy, claim exclusive divine authority, and send their children out in short-sleeves and ties to sell Gawd, I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want a Mormon in charge of the USA. Having a leader who's not afraid to go out into the rest of the world and string along a few converts as he blindly trudges along in the name of democracy (or even better: in the name of Gawd) might be a good thing. It might even get the guy a couple terms in office.This Mitt Romney character is convinced that the Mormonism thing won ...

The Wild Life, Episode 1: A Date with a Moose 2007-05-13 04:49:00 We've had a little visitor every evening for the past week. Okay, a big visitor. Seeing a moose in our neck of the woods is not so unusual, but the fact that this one keeps stopping by to hang out is sort of a trip. He/she (not sure if I really need to know how to sex a moose) seems to not be afraid of people, which made it much easier for me to get the nerve up to ask him/her out...Tags:* comedy * humor * funny * silly * moose * elk * Sweden * forest * BBQ * PETA * cat * eating * Grythyttan * nature * animals * marinade ...

Does this turn you on? 2007-05-12 09:02:00 I somehow found myself trapped in the world of free e-cards yesterday, trying to pick a cute little doozy to send to a friend for her birthday. What a mess. Everybody seems to offer them these days, much to my chagrin. Here is my favorite:I mean, I guess she's going to eat that flower, which is sexy, right? I guess there's just nothing like saying I love you, baby... Here's a close-up of a woman wearing a lot of shiny lip gloss... and oh yeah, she's about to eat a flower. That's right baby. That's how much I love you.And the music that comes along with it (also free of charge) is amazing. To get the whole experience you have to go here.Oh, if I could only be so lucky and get that one in my inbox.Tags:* comedy * humor * funny * silly * e-card * sensual * lips * sexy * turn-on * flower * eat * lipstick * free ...

The Life is Crap Merger Burger 2006-06-05 01:32:00 In a top-secret press conference earlier today, Life is Crap announced that it will be merging advertising revenues with the even more crappy How to Get Good Duck.Unfortunately, the top-secretness of the press conference meant that there were absolutely no members from the press present to take notes. Mike sat on a keg of Natural Light in the corner, trying to get the juice flowing while Tom and Anders made the finishing touches on a duck made entirely out of Spam.The announcement was made by Good Duck’s attorney, Jessica Lawyer, a toon formerly known for her role as the voluptuous female friend of Roger Rabbit in “Who’s Framing Roger Rabbit.” After several trips to the restroom to powder her breasts, she gave the following announcement:“Well, hiya, everybody. Or, hiya the three of you, at least. Um, Life is Crap is sort of proud to announce that effective immediately, all advertising revenues earned by and through the practically unheard of How to Eat a Duck …What’s that ...

Captain Canada Chicken Soup! 2006-05-25 06:45:00 Dear Captain Canada,Hallo there Captain Canada, and hallo there glorious and beautiful Canadian citizens. Thank you for having such nice mountains and trees and fish. Thank you for Pamela what’s-her-name, Alan Thicke and Corey Haim. I am a big fan of your flag, especially the way the maple leaf is all centered and stuff. That’s cool, eh? I am also proud (not as proud as you perhaps, but a little proud, I guess) of the fact that your hockey teams are apparently good. Did I thank you for the trees and the fish? Oh, I did, eh? Well, thanks again.Now that I have thanked you for being Canada, I will get to the real point of this letter: What’s up with Canada? More specifically, why do Canadians seem to hate Americans? I know that this has been taken up before, and have noticed that there are hundreds of Web pages out there that discuss the issue between them and us. Captain Canada, I am saddened to the point of tears that Canadians must carry around this anti-American grudge eve ...

Fanny Pack Tuna Casserole 2006-05-08 01:01:00 Overhearing things should be an Olympic sport. I haven’t quite figured out how it would be scored, or how it might actually work, but it would be so much fun to watch on the tee vee. Somehow, the athletes would run around and get points for eavesdropping on other people’s conversations, scoring highest, of course, for totally out of context one-liners. It would sort of combine reality television and international competition. And, it would give me that chance for gold that I wholeheartedly deserve. There are two lines that stick out in my collection of eavesdroppings. One came in third grade, on the playground of Ramona Alessandro Elementary in San Bernardino, California. I CAN NOT get rid of this one, unfortunately, as it is a one-liner that stands out in a crowd. It is also fairly appropriate for the playground when one is in third grade, but pretty much nowhere else. That means that this little line of text occasionally pops up in my head, though I am always unable to use it. W ...

Halloumi and Couscous with a Side of Howard Jones 2006-05-03 04:36:00 I was sitting (apparently sitting requires less energy than walking) and thinking (apparently thinking requires less energy than typing) yesterday about taking the bus to school in 4th grade.Riding the bus to and from school was like having your own little parent-free zone for about two hours a day. What about the bus-driver? Puh-lease. The Simpson’s Otto Mann pretty much sums it up. These people were not too concerned about what was going on back there. The mantra floating around in their heads pretty much went like this: Oh please, let me pass my drug test, Oh please, let me pass my drug test. It was all about the back seats, for two reasons. One: good height on the jumps when the bus went through dips. You could sort of cheat by timing a tiny little triggered series of movements that combined a tightening of the balls of the feet and the clenching of the butt cheeks. When properly timed, you would fly upward at 50-60 mph. After a period of years, some of us got pretty damn good a ...

Fiddy Cent Chicken Gonna' Knock You Out! 2006-04-23 06:06:00 Don’t call it a comebackI’ve been here for yearsRockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear…I’m gonna’ knock you out.Mama said knock you out.-Ladies Love Cool James, or LL Cool J to the homeys in da house. I would have liked to be the guy in charge of the video for that little rappity rap. I would have had LL dress up like a mailman, trying to deliver the mail with boxing gloves on. Every time he came to a door, the tenants (all wearing white wigs and reading glasses on chains, clutching folded up copies of the Times) would try to slam the door in his face. “We don’t need you anymore, Mr. Cool …, we don’t even know you anymore.” Frustrated, LL would start swinging away, breaking through doors in order to beat up old people. Mail would be seen flying everywhere as he ranted and raved about knocking people out, and then he would head back to his mail truck, a souped up, chromed out, over-golded Range Rover, lifted and lowered in just the right places. He’d ...