How to Get Good Duck A collection of fascinating ramblings and conclusions. I mean fascinating. Statistics Unique Visitors: Total Unique Visitors: Outgoing: Total Outgoing: 0 0 2 952

Articles from How to Get Good Duck

Petraeus: Another Tool with Charts and Graphs 2007-09-11 01:27:00 Look at those guys. Inner dialogue here? How about: You gonna say it? I'm not gonna say it. You promise you're not gonna say it? Pinky promise? Pinky promise.General David Petraeus and Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker testified before Congress yesterday on the progress of the Bush surge, and to nobody's surprise, the general said that things are just hunky dory over there. "We can take 'em, coach. I just need some more time, that's all." Or something like that. Yadda yadda yadda. Bush couldn't have said it better himself.Thankfully, Petraeus brought charts and graphs with him. Because the American people LOVE charts and graphs. In fact, if I remember correctly, Colin Powell presented some lovely charts and PowerPoint images, oh, way back when, which sort of got us in to this whole mess in the first place. Those charts and graphs turned out to be less than... what's the word... oh yeah: reliable.So what's Powell doing these days, by the way? He's lecturing. And advising. Oh yeah ...

Britney Spears and the Amazing Head of Hair 2007-09-10 10:41:00 It seems that I've been avoiding the serious stuff for a while now, playing around with the silly politicians and such. I apologize and now return to the thoughts that really matter: Britney's hair follicles.So the child prodigy-turned-standard-Hollywood-idiot apparently gave a rather lackluster performance at last night's Video Music Awards awards in Las Vegas. So what? I mean, whatever. Like, fer shure, or something. I have not seen the performance as of right this very second, nor will I have seen it when you ask me tomorrow. I do not believe that I would be quite able to tell the difference between a bad Britney Spears performance and a good one.So when I saw that very important headline pop up on my Google home page, I thought to myself, hmmm, does she have hair? The last bit of Britney Spears news that I followed closely (for about 40 minutes I think) was the little head shaving incident (because it was unbelievably fascinating) and that was in February.Anyhow, I clicked right ... Britney Spears

Another one bites the dust 2007-09-09 01:14:00 Another Republican, Chuck Hagel, has announced that he, too, plans to get the hell out of Dodge, and who can blame him. Though I think that it is sad to see this one go, since he is rightfully critical of the war in Iraq.Hagel also states that he will not be making a run for the presidency in 2008, which is appropriate. You can see in the image above that he is wearing a Band-Aid on his left thumb, which means that he bleeds, and is therefore human. An actual human being in the White House would be a major setback.Honestly, why would anybody in their right mind want to get in the White House right now? The incredible mess that the current administration has created is going to make for at least 8 years of major overhaul and cleanup. To have to take over, pull out of Iraq, replenish the non-existent budget, repair the global image of the US, and apologize for the past 8 years WHILE trying to fix the Social Security and health care systems in the US? That's a job I'd not want to have.B ...

Good Question 2007-09-05 00:13:00 The kids just want to know if grandpa can hold out or not... He would be the oldest president ever elected, IF elected."Thanks for the question, you little jerk," McCain joked back to one student who asked the 71-year-old if he was afraid about dying in office or of getting Alzheimer's disease. "You're drafted."He made a funny.Tags: * comedy * humor * funny * silly * politics * president * george bush * republican * democrat * conservative * liberal * congress * McCain quote * John McCain * high school * old * Alzheimer * dead * dying * election 88 ...

Bush using Nixon speeches for inspiration 2007-09-04 03:06:00 The White House has released a statement in which Bush and his speech writers admit to pouring through old Nixon speeches in order to borrow material and, as the President put it, "verbalismation...isms" to be used in upcoming Bush speeches.This Nixon speech here, for example, is one that the Bush team has already crafted and readied for use. When Bush delivers the speech, in oh, say, about 6 months, only a few changes will have been made, including replacing the word "jews" with "muslims", the word "blacks" with "liberals" the word "Vietnam" with "Iraq", and the word "Cambodia" with "Afghanistan".Please note that Mr. Nixon's symphonic, proliferating use of the "F" word may not make this piece suitable for playing at the office.Enjoy.Tags: * comedy * humor * funny * silly * politics * president * george bush * republican * democrat * conservative * liberal * congress * Nixon * speech * White House * Iraq * Afghanistan * muslim * parody * Scott Dikkers * Peter Hilleren ...

Major League Starving 2007-09-03 02:11:00 This morning I ran across an article on CNN.com about the new buffalo wing-eating champion in the US, Sonya Thomas, aka "The Black Widow", and I almost lost my lunch. Breakfast. Whatever. This very flattering AP photo accompanies the article. Nice.I have never seen a competitive eating competition. It is not on my list of things to do before I die. Nor will it ever reach that status. I have seen a few sloppy seconds of highlight footage, and that's it. I am sure that you know the kind - a closeup of a contestant pushing in the unwilling end of a hot dog only to have it pop back out again, bringing with it spray of spittle and a dribbling drizzle of drool. The contestant, beads of sweat dancing crazily on his or her forehead, eyes darting nervously back and forth, crudely places a finger, or maybe this time a finger and a thumb, on the end of the runaway dog, and forces it back in again. Hand #2 is ready with the next dog, and the untidy cycle continues.This guy, who boasts the very wi ...

The end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. 2007-08-31 06:30:00 So where was I? Ah yes, Disneyland. Disneyland is what we ended up calling Benalmádena, Spain. It must have had to do with the fact that the layers and layers of condominiums were simply re-bar and chicken wire, sprayed with cement. Or maybe because there were so many people flowing around that you occasionally ended up accidentally standing in line for something. A ride? A restaurant? Who knows.Anyhow, we made our way into the blue again, now heading for the rock. No, THE rock, not the Sean Connery film. Gibraltar. Reaching Gibraltar was significant, inasmuch as it is the gateway to the Atlantic. But in a Mount Rushmore-ish sort of way (when I saw Mt. Rushmore for the first time a couple summers ago, I thought it was way too small to have gotten all that attention. 'It needs to be bigger,' I said. 'Let's get some more dudes up there.') Gibraltar turned out to be just a big rock sticking out of the water. We had actually seen a few other big rocks sticking out of the water and lo ...

So long and thanks for all the fish! 2007-08-13 08:54:00 I will start by saying that it is worth avoiding Benalmádena at all costs. Unless you are a charter tour tourist, and just want some hot and some sand. Then, by all means, come here. It is a frightening place, I spent the first few hours here walking around with Sanna, slack-jawed and in total awe. It took me a while to come up with the proper description, but now I have it: Benalmádena is a bad painting. That's the best I can do. This marina that we are docked in is a Disneyland-ish nightmare, the upchuck of Salvadore Dali flowing seamlessly into some sort of a Mediterranean Thomas Kincade paiting, IF Thomas Kincade ever dared to touch the colors teal and peach. It is amazing, this place. And, as mentioned, overflowing with vistors from all over Europe (though the English and the Irish seem to get the best package deals) who are looking to turn their pasty souls a deep shade of lobster. I love it, in other words. We arrived yesterday afternoon and will leave this hell tomorrow. Wh ...

Bellying up to the Bar 2007-07-31 06:13:00 Bar, Montenegro. 31 July 2007Its Tuesdaz and I can not seem to find the kezs on this kezboard that I am reallz in need of. Its a Serbian language kezboard apparently, and I have just now realized that the y is where the z should be and vice versa... And I am having troubles uploading pictures, so descriptions of pictures will be provided in lieu of the actual thing.The wind is horrendous today, so we are still here. We have spent the last couple days getting the boat ready. Freja is a beautiful thing, a 70 plus foot creature, made entirely by hand by my captain for the next month, Oliver. We are excited to get going, and were planning on doing so today, but as said, the a major wind storm rolled in over the mountains last night, blowing smoke from the hillside fires, which seem to be burning perpetually here in Montenegro, down over the harbor. With luck, will move the boat offshore tonight, anchor until morning, and the head out from there. It looks like we will be sailing 24/7 for th ...

Prepare to be Boarded. Arrrr! 2007-07-26 02:54:00 Updates on this here little blog thingy may be a bit sporadic over the next month, since tomorrow I'll be heading to Montenegro, where I'll be climbing aboard the Freja to take on the pirates of the Mediterranean Sea. The destination is Stockholm, so we'll be sailing through the Mediterranean, around Spain and Portugal and then up through the English Channel back home. I have taken the liberty to draw a map of the journey, though as the lowest hand on deck, it will certainly look nothing like this. Let's hope so at least.I'll be doing my best to update along the way, so check back in with the Duck periodically, or simply add your email address to the subscription list here.To prepare for the journey, I've been brushing up on my pirate. You can too by watching this:Tags:* comedy * humor * funny * silly * Montenegro * Stockholm * sailing * pirates * talk like a pirate * Pippi Longstocking * PippiLångstrump ...

Adopting a Couple Nanokids 2007-07-26 00:24:00 Nanotechnology... I woke up this morning thinking about how great it would be to adopt a couple thousand little nanobots. Or maybe just two to start with, I don't know. My neck's been killing me again lately (thanks to a childish prank pulled by Eamonn Dolan and John Alianjian at a party in SF in 1999... real names being used in lieu of a lawsuit) and it occurred to me as I carefully maneuvered into an upright position that if I had few little nanorobotically inclined fellas in there working on stuff, they might be able to build me a whole new neck in just a couple days. You know, putting up nanoscaffolding and firing up their nano-blowtorches to get things in better working order... things like that. It's bizarro world stuff, all right, but awesome nonetheless. This is sci-fi stuff that people are really talking about. And not just the freaks and nutheads, but some pretty smart dudes as well. Lenny would be sort of proud of me that I'm not only taking my vitamins, but I'm enterta ...

Front Page News 2007-07-24 15:24:00 Curious to know what's featured on the front page of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel? The Burlington Free Press? All right, then Tunisia's Essahafa? Right. That's the one. Good then, check out Newseum's Today's Front Pages. Click on a region first, and then select the paper you're looking for. The site provides a screen shot of the day's paper as well as a readable .pdf file and a link to the paper's website. Nifty!This is Primera Hora from Puerto Rico. Primera Hora is translated, if oh-so roughly, into "Number One Whore" in Swedish. Because my Spanish is rusty/non-existent, I'll not go out on a limb-o and say that the Puerto Rico paper is about great whores. But it might be, because, hey, look at those boobies. And something about a Humvee...? Yeah, I don't know... Doesn't sound so newsworthy to me.To receive an email when How to Get Good Duck is updated, click here.Tags: * comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * Newseum * headlines * Milwaukee Journal ...

Get Your Face Off! 2007-07-24 05:56:00 If you're like me and you've always dreamed of being a composite image, but don't have the chutzpeh to ever commit a crime, then Ultimate Flash Face is for you. Below, and I wasted a good 15 minutes trying to get this nearly right, is me... ish. Scary.Tags: * entertainment * pop culture * face * composite * scary * sketch * waste time ...

How to Train Your Dog to Sit Like You... ? 2007-07-23 05:57:00 I did not know that. I did not know that having my dog sit like me is a desirable thing. I also did not know that once my dog can sit like me, he can then learn many other fascinating tricks, some of which involve saluting or holding a wooden pipe in his mouth.Does my dog want to sit like me? Will people who visit ask me if my dog can sit like me? Most importantly, will they think differently of me, if I have a dog that can not sit like me? And furthermore, does my dog want to salute me while smoking a pipe?I do not have a dog, but when I get one, I will make sure that this is the first trick that I teach him. ...

Equine Lawn Mowing 2007-07-20 16:15:00 I have to mow the lawn this weekend, and as previously mentioned, it takes about 3-4 hours to do. This seems like the better way to go:Don't know why I didn't think of this before.To receive an email when How to Get Good Duck is updated, click here. ...