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Anglo Sex-ton 2008-02-01 14:26:00 There are many rumours about British sex. All of them are true, even the ones that contradict each other.When it comes to the British and sex, we’re as varied as the rest of you. Some of us like missionaries and some of us dogs; some of us like dogs so much we dress up in fluffy suits and start barking. Some of us enjoy pushing things in, some like taking them out and some like doing the okie cokie although too much shaking it about can somewhat break the romantic mood.But mostly, when it comes to sex, we like not talking about it. We treat it in a similar way to death. This doesn't mean that the whole family gets together to mourn after it happens (at least not normally,) but rather, although we appreciate it has to happen, and sometimes we're even glad when it does, we'd really rather not talk about it thank you very much. Comedians can make great use of this embarrassment when warming up a crowd. Next time you’re at a posh restaurant stand on the table and shout the word ‘S ...

Sex on the Blog 2008-01-25 16:25:00 I think about sex a lot.As a homosexual, homophobic, red blooded mammal of the male variety, it comes naturally.For example, if I converse with a man about, say, the weather, it's essential to put up a front, allowing them to see me either as a perfectly harmless straight bloke, or as gay as an Enid Blyton picnic, depending on what they find acceptable. (Generally, I choose the former; acting excessively camp makes me want to take myself outside and beat myself up as an example to others.) Woman, however, are less fussy about that kind of thing, and I can discuss the current meteorological situation with them without first having to check my belt buckle is facing the right way, or whatever daft system homosexuals are using to 'identify themselves' these days.So it helps to be aware of sex. That way, I can avoid going up to the wrong one and mentioning Madonna.As to the other kind of sex, I try not to think about it. It's said that men think about it all the time, but that's not tr ...

Si - kick 2008-01-16 14:40:00 It is traditional, around this time of year, to do things that are bloody ridiculous. Amongst other things these include making new years resolutions, attempting to lose the Christmas pot belly, and getting the pine needles out of the carpet.It is also tradition, around this time of the year, for psychics, in between scamming naive members of the public and choosing the wrong lottery numbers, to make their annual predictions.And so, as yet another attempt to make myself famous, I got out my playing cards, shuffled them with the left, more psychic side of my body, and dealt out my predictions for 2008. However as all the cards predictions were along the lines of ‘the Queen of hearts will gain 10 Diamonds from a Black Knave,’ I put them away and just made up some predictions instead.A crop circle will appear near a Barn in Baltimore in the shape of a letter M, or possibly a W. Maybe an E. This will lead many enthusiasts to set up camp nearby and release countless books postulating ab ...

ECNALUBMA 2008-01-10 15:06:00 You know what really grinds my gears?Vans that are so up themselves they feel their need to have their company name written backwards across their bonnet so you can read it your rear view mirror.Of course this trend was started by ambulances. Now personally, I have to wonder how, when confronted by sirens that whine louder than Louis Walsh and more lights than a chain smoker, anyone would still have to look in their rear-view mirror to check they are, indeed, being followed by an Ambulance. And even then you think the hulking lump of white and yellow metal would be enough identification without the need for its name to be plastered all over it like a pair of Nike Trainers. For Doc's sake, ambulances are just one offence away from being a public disturbance, If you installed them with drum machines they'd be mobile hard house discos. I fail to see how having some fancy backward lettering makes them more noticeable. It's like putting a red nose on a porn star. That's simply not the b ...

New Erection 2008-01-09 03:00:00 It's nice to see that on a street of brotels, sex shops and gay saunas there can be a company of repute. All I can say is, thank God for the apostraphe.Previous PostsCap Comp, Caption Contest, Toad Work ...

Wedding Day Blues 2008-01-04 17:28:00 There was a time when weddings were simple. All that was required was a broken condom and a shotgun. There was none of this fuss with wedding lists, or Evening Entertainment, or cake; just a night of unbridled passion followed by a life time of being bridled.Our wedding was meant to be simple too. It was supposed to be about our feelings for each other, about promising to spend our lives together until we waste away together in a nursing home eyeing up the young carers.Somehow, it got confused.Because now it's about everyone else. It's become less of a fairy tale wedding and more like the Rocky horror Picture Show. Madness takes control.Forget Love, our wedding is about seating arrangements and table decorations and dessert choices and photographers and accommodation and suits and best people and loans and family politics and scatterfetti and party poppers and invites and speeches and wine and transport and tiny chocolates...And money, always about money.At present, I'd be quite hap ...

Nanowrimo Results 2007-12-01 01:13:00 Ladies and Gentlemen, All bets are now closed.Pay up please. Pay up... ...

Sticky Post - NaNoWriMo 2007-11-30 17:59:00 All bets are on for my NaNoWriMo Attempt. Simply comment with a forfeit I have to do if I fail to reach 50,000 words. However in the extremely low chance that I reach the target you have to do the bet instead!If I fail to reach 50,000 words by November 30th:Linda wants me to write a highly praising article about her.Mr Fab wants me to perform a video Karaoke version of American pieDale wants me to write a post about my failure of NaNoWriMo and 2 other failures of my choice. He also wants me to praise for once managing to finish NaNoWriMoSandy wants me to give up being cynical for exactly one post and give a happily-ever-after ending for each of my characters (a la my Harry Potter sequel post, which was (apparently) hilarious). Money, Forfeits, blog post, adverts, video clips, the possibilities are endless. Just keep it light hearted and keep it legal. Otherwise I promise to do anything you ask, providing of course I fail to meet target. Ladies and Gentlemen, please your bets. ...

Cap Comp 2007-10-31 01:09:00 For my Halloween Wordless wednesday I present something truly scary.Free links to anyone who can make this funnier or scarier!Previous PicsCap Comp 9Cap Comp 8Cap Comp 7 ...

The NaNoWriMo forfeits 2007-10-30 01:43:00 During the month of November, I'm taking part in NaNoWriMo, the outrageous quest to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.This has 2 Fringe EffectsFirstly, this blog may remain largely dormant throughout November, but then you should all be used to that by now.Secondly, all bets are on! In order to give me an extra kick up the backside I'm letting you play along at home.Here's how it works. You pledge to do something should I get past the 50,000 word mark, e.g. If Simon finishes the novel I will...Write a praising blog entry, pay him some money or run naked down the high street. Make sure it's something that wouldn't haunt you for the rest of your life incase I actually reach 50,000 words.However if I fail to reach 50,000 words then, and here's the bonus, I carry out the pledge instead! E.g I write you a praising blog entry, I increase your bank funds,and I scare small children In Bristol Town centre.I will of course abide by the rules of NaNoWriMo completely, and will validate an ...

Eek-Mail or How the Internet almost got me fired 2007-10-27 02:41:00 I always thought it was an urban legend. After all no one really did things like that, no one could really be that stupid.Of course, I always pride myself on being the exception to any rule.I had a client who couldn’t get to a phone so we were communicating exclusively by E-mail. This was a definite benefit as I had to turn her claim down and I wouldn’t have to listen to her yell at me.So in a concise professional email I explained the reasons we were repudiating the claim.An hour later she replied.To: Simon@theOffice.bizFrom: Client@HerHome.comSubject: Ref ClaimDear Simon (Hey! We're on first name terms now. )i understood that the externals were covered but believed the internals to be covered under accidental damage. Please review and get back to me.Review and get back to her? What, does she think I’m in customer service or something?Dutily, I asked my senior to repeat what she had already said and emailed the client back, adding a couple of in-depth explanatory paragraphs and ... Internet

Taking note 2007-10-24 13:38:00 I have a stationery fetish. More than that even. I'd call it an Obsession but I think Calvin Klein has that copyrighted.After the book store, the library, and the private club down the road, the Stationery store is my favourite place in the world. You can drop me off in a stationery store and happily pick me up 5 weeks later, and I'll still have a tantrum and refuse to leave.I love stationary. I love ink flowing from a pen for the first time, I love the smoothness of unsharpened pen and I love the perfect white of a blank sheet of paper.And most of all I love notepads.There is something magical about a new pad. You've felt it no doubt, that thrill page that runs up the arms and into the brain like a pair of athletic earwigs, when you open to the first clean page. Every new pad has the potential for greatness. By the time it has run out of pages it could contain a best selling novel, world changing philosophy, or the recipe for Kentucky fried chicken. It could be the pad that change ...

The 3 sides of James Blunt - James Blunt Does Sesame Street 2007-10-21 02:07:00 If you ever wanted proof that Children's TV is getting worse then look no further.They've shown our children horrific explosions, Japanese Animation and hardcore animated violence.And now, with the shock value dying out, they've gone for the most horrific, most shocking thing left in the Universe - James Blunt.Previous PostsThe new bookish technologyVader being a smartassSpring! ...

Claims, Stains and Octogenarians 2007-10-20 09:42:00 On my first day in my new job, I handled this claim.'My husband was in the bathroom when he fell and banged his head on the cistern, which cracked, pouring water over the floor. I rushed to help him, and stepped on some cracked porcelain. I did not notice this until I had walked into the bedroom, and my foot had bled on the hall and bedroom carpet. 'Now despite what this blog may make you believe, with its sparkling, acerbic wit and Oscar Winning mood swings, I’m actually quite sensitive. Really! Try tickling me!When I read the claim I felt like I was in that bathroom. It was my boyfriend on the floor, me in shock, trying to stop the water, trying to help him, running to the bedroom for the phone, my heart racing, the blood spurting from my foot unnoticed as a hero ignores his mortal wound until his damsel is saved.And besides, they were old, sweet people. They needed my help. They wouldn’t lie to me.My senior looked over my shoulder. 'Yeah right.' he said, 'like you wouldn't ...

I-mage 2007-10-20 09:22:00 This post brought to you by Samsung G600 Camera PhoneIf you're cool like me you'll want a cool cellphone. I'll admit it might not be the first thing on your list. You'll need a cool hairstyle, genuine wit and a wicked, over-commercialized blog first, but when you do get a phone check out the Samsung G600 Camera Phone, a phone that's truly image conscious.And that way you'll get a little bit closer to being as cool as me. ...