Of Rice and Zen I'm going to Japan tomorrow... shit the bed Statistics Unique Visitors: Total Unique Visitors: Outgoing: Total Outgoing: 0 0 63 6795

Articles from Of Rice and Zen

Day 746: Year three begins 2008-02-03 00:57:00 The annual January trip to Japan is an interesting experience. Being just after new year and being a westerner, you convince yourself that it's new year, new resolutions, new start. You make ambitious plans to rejuvenate your life and your flight home is a physical embodiment of your hopes, desires and ambitions for the coming year. Leaving your family yet again is hurts like a hernia, but flying to Japan has come to symbolise a flight towards fortune and glory in the shape of a rising sun.You are becoming well-versed with the aeroplane's AVOD (audion and video on demand) system. For old time's sake you switch on the Magic 3's external camera and watch the ground below drift by gracefully. You also turn on the map view and watch that red line stretch across the globe and quietly hum the Indiana Jones theme tune to yourself, hoping it gets lost in the whine of the jet engines.Check-in girl obviously like the cut of your admittedly impressive jib, because she has given you seat 31D. ...

Day 741: You're grounded mister 2008-01-29 06:41:00 January 2006 - fly to Japan with Mouse. Witness horror of DV cam crushage. Tell yourself it's all part of life's rich tapestry. January 2007 - fly to Japan with S. Have drinking competition with self after everybody else falls asleep. January 2008 - nearly fail to board flight.Let's back up a bit. The desk staff tell you your ticket to Australia in May is not enough to convince the Japanese immigration staff that your intentions are strictly tourism related. They ask to see some kind of travel itinerary. They tell you that yes, the UK has a visa waver arrangement with Japan. Yes you can land and get a tourist visa stamped in your passport for 90 days. Yes you can extend your visa and stay for another 90 days. No you cannot assume that you will be allowed to stay until May.You do the math and realise that if you don't get on this flight now, you will lose a lot of money. If you aren't back in Japan you can't take the flight to Australia in May. If you don't get on the flight to ...

Day 734: The yearly trip home 2008-01-22 05:07:00 When you visit England you quickly realise that the height of entertainment involves eating more turkey and stuffing than should be humanly possible and messing with your gran's dog in such a way that it makes a noise like a Taun-taun. Grey skies. Fat, miserable, chip-munching proles dragging their thwarted husbands through supermarkets. Hoody sporting Chavs wherever you turn. The only thing that's changed since you left is that Russell Brand went from relatively unknown TV presenter to revolutionary stand-up/showbiz personality who's beloved of just about everyone in Blighty. You have to say you thoroughly approve.Life suddenly revolves around "what's on TV" and other such plebian passtimes. It's a fall from the glory of the rock star lifestyle the horsemen were living in Nova's hayday. You realise you are more centred and in many ways more happy than you were in those days. Unfortunately, along with a newfound stability you suddenly start to notice the little things that pass ...

Day 725: Bye-bye gaijin card 2008-01-12 16:08:00 It's January 2008. It's almost two years since you came to Japan. Your visa's coming to an end and eikaiwa's no longer seem a wise prospect. You decide to start again with some perspective. You buy a ticket home. See the family. Have a delayed Christmas dinner. Talk to them about S. Then you'll come back to Japan on a tourist visa. Hope that your few remaining friends are still here when you get back.S and her family are getting used to having you around. You eat dinner together most days. You take a new year trip to Tachikisan shrine in Shiga to pray for good luck in the coming year. You buy them sushi dinner. A week later you go to Shigaraki prefecture to see a vast collection of porcelain tanuki. You tell them you're gonna buy some tanuki for the folks back home. You tell them you have to go back for a while. Reset the etch-a-sketch. Explain to your family the twists and turns your life is taking.You explain that you'll be back in a couple of weeks. They look at you like ...

Day 725: Your future is secure, in principle 2008-01-11 09:27:00 When Nova closed G communications took over on the condition they would take on all of the teachers who wanted to work. Two months later G communications offered teachers two options. Options A was a job immediately cleaning toilets and throwing out the belongings of the thousands of teachers who returned home thousands of dollars short, if they were lucky enough to live near one of the handful of open branches. Option B consisted of ¥150000 ($1377/£703) up front and a job from January. Most of your friends went for option B because they didn't live near an open branch, needed the rent money right away and they needed their visas renewed around January.On Christmas day you discover that G communications have revoked their offer of a job for all those who want to work. Merry fucking Christmas. They are spending too much on teachers. No option B teachers will be taken on. No contracts that expire in the next three months will be renewed. No visas will be handed out. Yourself and ...

Day 724: Japan's monkey's have so far eluded me 2008-01-10 16:46:00 Ami and her photographer friend are returning to bring you some cycles to pose on, when they find you purple headed and grimacing like a fire-eater with an ulcer. Your bike has a giant Anpan Man stuck to the bell. With your feet on the pedals your Japanese suit pants ride up a long way revealing your cowboyish boots. You glance over and see that Linton has invested in boots that are far less ambiguously of the cowboy variety. This is not helping you turn around the "gay photo shoot" vibe pervading the day. Your already crotch-snug Japanese pants are contorted into a painful knot on the bicycle seat. You're not sure whether you're smiling or grimacing, but whatever it is the kameraman tells you he wants more of it. Ami apparently wants less of something. She holds up a hand to stop the shoot and walks over to your side. She tells you what she has to say is iinikui (hard to say). She asks if you can manoeuvre your cock and balls so they are less... visible. You wish you could help he ...

Day 711: When balls go bad 2007-12-31 20:20:00 Tsuyako emails and tells you she wants you to model for her friend. You have this dream every night. You stare lethargically at your keitai and wait for it to change into a mukade or your mum's face asking why you don't call. It doesn't do anything. You pinch yourself. It seems you are awake. Drunk yes. Numb certainly. But definitely awake. You read the message again. In your first few months in Japan you were ripped to the tits. No question. You could wash shirts on your rock hard abs. That would've been a great time to receive this email. Nowadays you look like that guy's older, fatter brother who failed his tryout for Tottenham Hotspur, went off the training and now spends his evenings watching a worn out tape of his best game while drinking an endless string of Stellas and weeping when nobody's home.You reply to Tsuyako and tell her that you don't know if this is another misuse of English in the Japanese language, like consento (power outlet), jet coaster (roller coaster) an ...

Day 711: When balls go bad 2007-12-29 10:49:00 Tsuyako emails and tells you she wants you to model for her friend. You have this dream every night. You stare lethargically at your keitai and wait for it to change into a mukade or your mum's face asking why you don't call. It doesn't do anything. You pinch yourself. It seems you are awake. Drunk yes. Numb certainly. But definitely awake. You read the message again. In your first few months in Japan you were ripped to the tits. No question. You could wash shirts on your rock hard abs. That would've been a great time to receive this email. Nowadays you look like that guy's older, fatter brother who failed his tryout for Tottenham Hotspur, went off the training and now spends his evenings watching a worn out tape of his best game while drinking an endless string of Stellas and weeping when nobody's home./You reply to Tsuyako and tell her that you don't know if this is another misuse of English in the Japanese language, like consento (power outlet), jet coaster (roller coaster) a ...

Day 705: The Wedding Singer 2007-12-20 09:57:00 Chihiro calls you and asks if you'll play a song at her wedding. This is a weird question because although you played in bands for a few years in England, you have no recollection of telling her this. On the other hand you have come to understand that you having no recollection of things happening is absolutely not to be taken as evidence that they never happened. You guess one of two things is going on here: 1. You picked up someone's guitar once while drunk at a party and rocked out a sweet cover of What Would Brian Boitano Do? in front of a stunned Japanese crowd. Presumably after strumming the last chord, you set fire to the guitar and attempted to crowd surf on the 15 seated attendees who stared at you the way a cat looks at an injured mouse running in circles. 2. Chihiro has to outdo the other 19 wedding parties that have taken place this season and has figured out that none of her friends had a token foreigner to entertain the crowds, so she asked the first one she could ...

Day 705: The Wedding Singer 2007-12-19 09:30:00 Chihiro calls you and asks if you'll play a song at her wedding. This is a weird question because although you played in bands for a few years in England, you have no recollection of telling her this. On the other hand you have come to understand that you having no recollection of things happening is absolutely not to be taken as evidence that they never happened. You guess one of two things is going on here:1. You picked up someone's guitar once while drunk at a party and rocked out a sweet cover of What Would Brian Boitano Do? in front of a stunned Japanese crowd. Presumably after strumming the last chord, you set fire to the guitar and attempted to crowd surf on the 15 seated attendees who stared at you the way a cat looks at an injured mouse running in circles.2. Chihiro has to outdo the other 19 wedding parties that have taken place this season and has figured out that none of her friends had a token foreigner to entertain the crowds, so she asked the first one she could think o ...

Day 693: A moving day 2007-12-10 22:20:00 You fall asleep reading The Code of the Samurai again. It's a fascinating read. It emphasises caring for your family, serving your daimyo and readiness to die. But not necessarily in order. This means that serving your feudal lord or employer is every bit as important as looking after your dear old mum. All these centuries later you can still see this philosophy everwhere you look. Only now daimyo manufacture video cameras and have huge neon signs. And little Johnny's little league games are cheered on by mums sitting next to empty seats.In short, everybody is under somebody else wing and that relationship is still far more invasive than a payer/paid arrangement. When training was done under apprenticeship this arrangement made quite a lot of sense. Nowadays people in Japan don't often choose a position. They usually choose a company and the company chooses their position. All they have to do is pick a camp. Choose your side and stay under that wing for as long as possib ...

Day 685: The trouble with nuance 2007-12-03 08:40:00 When you first met S's dad and introduced yourself, he instantly responded with a joyful, "Fugu!" Japanese people often refer to you as Fugu when they meet you, because they are reminded of a Swiss K1 fighter of that name. Fugu also happens to be a deadly pufferfish. This is usually meant in good fun, but in izakaya you always have to watch that playful banter has not become subtle mockery.On your first real night living with S's family you sit (read "kneel") down for a family meal and watch the Olympic volleyball qualifying matches. What the Japanese team lack in height and power they make up for in spirit. One of their number is a university student, giving them the feel of passionate amateurs. You cheer them on as a family while eating nabe and deflecting small hands with your pink storm trooper in their sights.The Japanese for completely settled in is sukkari najimimashita.After a string of hearty losses the team scores a couple of good wins and climb to fifth place. This ...

Day 684: Ainu you were gonna say that 2007-12-01 10:17:00 A gentleman heading out of the door in Starbucks stops and points at you and says, "America". It isn't a question. You tell him in Japanese that no, you are English. He tells you he's sorry but he doesn't understand your English. You've had that enough times to return you to your Japanese study with a vengeance. You are hunching over a text book, pen poised, but he's not done yet. He points heavenwards and asks if you worked for Nova. He gestured upwards not because Nova is dead, but because the Yamashina branch of Nova is directly above Starbucks. You confirm that was the case without bothering to explain that you didn't work in Yamashina. The idea that you could be living and studying in Yamashina but working in Shiga regularly blows the locals' minds and takes a lot more time to cover than you usually like to take out of your looking at girls' asses sched... er, that should read studying schedule.He decides to take the seat next to you to discuss Sahashi's betrayal ...

Day 682: Purgatory is in Yokaichi 2007-11-29 23:48:00 You've said many times that you know just enough Japanese to get yourself into trouble. Just before Nova bought a one way ticket to Palookaville, wise old Bourne was Linford Christie quick off the mark and visited Hello Work in Kyoto several times to get information and make his face known. His approach is, "I don't care what usually happens in these situations, I'll leave when you get your wallet out." It helps that he's a level 2 at Japanese because when you go you quickly realise you're gonna get as far as an octopus in a daring sushi restaurant escape bid.You can't make the staff understand your Japanese when you decide to give up and go home empty-handed:AI understand there's nothing you can do for me know so I'm going to go home and wait for the appropriate documents to arrive from Nova. I'll come back when I have them.Hello Work OikChrist-shit-balls he's back, I knew he'd stand up again... p-p-please take a seat, I'll find someone who can understand English, just ...

Day 681: Kyoto Nova Kru Video 2007-11-28 10:30:00 After the collapse of Nova you lost a lot of good friends who were forced to return home. You were left with a lot of memories of good times. You decide to put a bunch of your keitai videos together to give your friends something to remember it by.It's a montage of the laughs, songs and dances you shared. You hope, it will stay with you forever to commemorate your time with Nova from January 2006 to October 2007. You had the time of your life. You hope your friends did too. Technorati Tags: aeon, ALT, anders lundqvist, baka gaijin, chain, chain school, drunk, eigo no sensei, English teacher, engrish, gaijin, gaijin memoirs, ganbatte, geos, izakaya, Japan, Japanese, JET, job, Kansai, Kyoto, mac, memoirs of a gaijin, meta, Misasagi, monkeybridge, nihon, Nova, nova closure, Nova teachers not paid, nozomu, nozomu sahashi, photoblog, photographs, photos, pikki, podcast, sahashi, sahashi nozomu, shiga, teach english, teach in japan, teacher, teaching, teaching English, temple, Yamashin ...