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Articles from Japanese For Assholes

Trailer Review- The Hulk 0000-00-00 00:00:00 The Incredible Hulk Five-Word Synopsis: This year’s Truman Capote (What?) POINT Alex: I’m pretty sure The Incredible Hulk came out like a few years ago. Why would th- oh man it’s Edward Norton. What is it about The Incredible Hulk that attracts otherwise-successful individuals? Ang Lee went from the guy who directed a shockingly dry movie about magic gamma [...] ...

Rejected Scripts- The Free Market Triumphs Again 0000-00-00 00:00:00 Guess what- I finally sold one of my scripts! This director-guy, Roy Scuffy, bought the screenplay of one of the first movies I ever wrote, a lighthearted sci-fi karate extravaganza. It was based almost entirely off of those old Commander Keen PC games from the early nineties, but he didn’t seem to care too much. Apparently, [...] ...

Trailer Review- Standard Operating Procedure 0000-00-00 00:00:00 Standard Operating Procedure Point Alex: Every non-interview shot in this trailer was shot by someone who probably has the phrase “Principled and Stunning Aesthetics” tattooes across their chest in gothic script, and every interview they show is with someone who was actually involved in Abu Ghraib, something that most people would do just about anything, short of [...] ...

Alex Presents: Three Things That Don’t Exist 0000-00-00 00:00:00  Thing That Doesn’t Exist #1: Pet Aliens (CJ7) Stephen Chow, the funniest guy who could beat up Carl Weathers, brings you CJ7, which is… some crap about an alien? Specifically, an adorable, adopted alien, whose CGI isn’t particularly well done? Oh, wait, hold on. I see rocket shoes. All is well.  Thing That Doesn’t Exist #2: Bead-Based Samurai Fighting Leagues (Redbelt) Starring Tim Allen, of Home Improvement [...] ...

Jim’s Art Cinema Korner– Our French Franchise! 0000-00-00 00:00:00 The following is an excerpt from our soon-to-publish French spin-off. If you are interested in having a Japanese for Assholes Franchise of your own call 1-900-CONCEIT today!  Cinema: Je Le Deteste! Roman Da Gare Non. C’est stupide. Cliche. <No. This is stupid. Cliche.> F Priceless Non. C’est cliche. Stupide. <No. This is cliche. Stupid.> F- Love Songs* 1. Pretty People 2. Metropolitan Lifestyle 3. The Veracity of FilmDigital [...] ...

Trailer Review- Flawless 0000-00-00 00:00:00 Flawless Five-word Synopsis: Michael Caine steals diamonds, hearts. Alternate five-word synopsis: Demi Moore is there too. Alternate, alternate five-word synopsis: The heist of the centenarian. Point Jim: Standard World War II Zombie Bank He- ah, fuck it: The sound of farting. Is Demi Moore using a British accent? I honestly can’t tell. Wait, she is: she prounces Can’t like the [...] ...

Trailer Review- Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull 0000-00-00 00:00:00 Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull Five-word Synopsis:  Indiana Jones will never die.  Point Alex: How am I even supposed to feel about this? I love the hell out of Indiana Jones, and consider nazi-killing to be the most noble and gentle of all human endeavors. And Harrison Ford’s aging, while obvious, has just made him [...] ...

Jim’s Art Cinema Korner, On: Foreign-ish Film! 0000-00-00 00:00:00 Cassandra’s Dream So now the movie Woody Allen has decided to make again and again is The Martin Landau Parts of Crimes and Misdemeanors? Just like how Annie Hall was a good movie but you didn’t need to make it 7 times, maybe give ‘half of Crimes and Misdemeanors’ a rest. I never thought I’d be pining [...] ...

Trailer Review- Horton Hears A Who 0000-00-00 00:00:00 Horton Hears A Who Because that’s what the book was lacking– slapstick, self-reference, and combat between Horton and a vulture voiced by Will Arnett. Has any feature length adaptation of Dr. Seuss ever been anything more than horrible? And “Incredibly Horrible” is the best case scenario, as Mike Meyers officially made his Halloween-haunting eponym obsolete after [...] ...

Alex Presents- The Wonder(s) of Childhood 0000-00-00 00:00:00 The Spiderwick Chronicles Five-Word Synopsis: Nickeloden Presents: Not Good Burger Whether it’s an unpretentious, classical children’s story or a zero-effort phone-in about the fantabulous world of Professor Appleby’s magical forest, I can’t really tell. But hell, it looks okay, and there were some monsters in there, I’m pretty sure. Although, I’m biased in favor of this kind of movie in [...] ...