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Ready For The Olympic Games 2008 2008-02-19 09:43:00 Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big Ican't wear them." I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems.""Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike.She said, "Here -you try on mine. He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will." ...

Kung-Fu Baby 2008-02-18 14:33:00 After 25 years of service the postman was about to retire. On his last dayhe walked the same routine as he did for 25 years.When he arrived at the first house the people gave him fishing gear andwished him happy retirement. When he arrived at the second house the peoplegave him camping gear and wished him happy retirement. When he arrived atthe third house a blond lady opened the door and invited him in. They wentupstairs and had dirty 5ex for about two hours. She then made him breakfastand afterwards handed him a dollar.The postman was surprised, he asked: "Today you gave me the greatest 5ex Ihad for years, and breakfast was nice, but what's with the dollar"?The blond lady answered: "Last night, I was talking to my husband, I toldhim that today was your last day, and asked what should we do? My husbandsaid: 'Fick the postman! Just give him a dollar.' but adding breakfast wasmy idea!" ...

Falling Hard In Slow Motion 2008-02-18 13:38:00 A Programmer and an Electrical Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the Engineer's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and ...

Paris Hilton Sings Happy Birthday To Hugh Hefner 2008-02-18 13:36:00 A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says," Your house." ...

Adriana Lima 2008-02-18 11:35:00 The American Dream Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 600 A.M. While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea). After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico), how much he can spend today. After setting his watch (made in Switzerland), to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), goes looking as he has been for months, for a good paying American job. After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan), and ponde ...

Bmw Alpina B7 Vs Mercedes Benz Clk 63 Amg 2008-02-18 11:21:00 A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years." ...

Freaky Women In An Elevator 2008-02-17 12:12:00 An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who sharedan office with several other doctors. The waiting room wasfilled with patients.He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist wasa large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gaveher his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said,"YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE...YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their headsaround to look at the very embarrassed man.He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voicereplied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION....AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!" ...

Funny Moments Compiliation 2008-02-17 11:51:00 Rules for Frequent Flyers 1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. 2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. 3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. 4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. 5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. 6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. 7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. 8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. 9. The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you. 10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on lugga ...

A 300 parody 2008-02-16 08:29:00 A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000."The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey.Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The ...

bull gives good lesson to curious spectator 2008-02-16 08:17:00 Prison Life vs a Full-Time Job In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own room. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the ...