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Painful Slides 2008-02-28 11:03:00 A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a coin.Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a Tea stall in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of Tea.At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her Tea cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the Tea stall without saying a word.As soon as he is sure that his son ...

Funny, Stupid, and Banned Commercials Part 2 2008-02-28 10:58:00 A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.Then, finally, she says, "You." ...

Funny, Stupid, and Banned Commercials Part 1 2008-02-28 10:56:00 A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back an ...

World In Words 2008-02-27 11:16:00 A woman went to a discount store service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "Rub my nipples, rub my nipples." By now a crowd was beginning to gather.The clerk ran away to get the store manager who asked the lady what was wrong. She explained once again that she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The manager also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "Rub my nipples, rub my nipples." The crowd was growing larger.The very embarrassed store manager asked the lady why on earth she was making such a scene and she very demurely replied, "because I like to have my nipples rubbed when I am being screwed."The crowd exploded in appl ...

Best Funny Moments in Sports 2008-02-27 05:30:00 One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, whydon't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained: "Well ... OK ... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort ofstands up, and then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes,and that's how you get babies". Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eyeto eye and said, "Oh, Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery." ...

Affair In The Wrong House 2008-02-24 12:37:00 Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.'' ...

Football 2008-02-23 04:23:00 Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for hiswife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called hislittle boy and sent this note to his wife:"THE TENT POLE IS UP,THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,COME BACK TO BED."The wife answered the note and sent it back with the boy. It read:"TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWNPUT THE CANVAS AWAYTHE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGENO CIRCUS TODAY."So he sent another note down. It read:"THE TENT POLE'S STILL UPAND THE CANVAS STILL SPREADSO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOINGAND COME GIVE ME SOME HEADTo which she replied:"I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'STHE BEST IN THE LANDBUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOWSO DO IT BY HAND!" ...

Paris Hilton Big Bush 2008-02-23 02:46:00 A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy."I'll only marry you under three conditions.""Anything, anything," said the ambassador."First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation."Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre sum ...

Weird Situations 2008-02-22 11:23:00 Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's tests results. Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." Mr.Smith: "what do you mean?" Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS.we cannot tell which is your wife." Mr Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?" Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't fick her." ...

Ouch For 120 Seconds 2008-02-21 12:05:00 A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. ''It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you.'' He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: ''How many times? And when?''The wife responded, ''Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?''The husband stared. ''You mean you're the one who got him to?''His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ''I guess that's okay. Any other times?''''Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time...I kinda...''''Ah, you're the one who made it possible.''The husband looked honestly relieved. ''Well, that's u ...

This Guy Is Unbelievable 2008-02-21 07:53:00 A man hails a taxi, and gets inside."5th and Main, please.""You again?" says the taxi driver. "This is the 4th time I've dropped you and your wife off at work.""Really? My wife doesn't work.""Yes, she does. I drop her off there everyday, about an hour after I rive you to work.""There?""Behind the Tillman & Lane department store.""Interesting," says the man. "Tell you what. Pick me up in two hours,and I want you to show me where my wife works." So two hours later,the taxi arrives and takes the man to whorehouse behind Tillman &Lane."Hold on," said the driver. "I'll be right back."There's a huge commotion after the driver goes in, with cursing andscreaming and the sounds of breaking furniture. The driver comes outwith a woman in a headlock."That's not my wife!" exclaims the man."I know. She's mine. I'm going back in for yours." ...

Zidane Vs. Fidel Castro 2008-02-20 13:46:00 A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for thefourth time."How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened toyour first husband?""He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.""Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?""He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.""Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your thirdhusband.""He died of a broken neck.""A broken neck?""He wouldn't eat the mushrooms." ...

Water 2008-02-20 13:29:00 ''Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent!''''I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?''''Well, the first part you can imagine. But he also burned his tongueand broke his finger!'' ...

Never trust women 2008-02-19 12:30:00 A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel tocelebrate their 50th marriage anniversary.The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks tohimself, "At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides tospy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. Andwhat does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. Allnight long.He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to thehusband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he askshim how can he do what he did at this age.The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes.Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes.Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what,WHAT?"The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis withone hand, and then we make a bet."The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!"If it falls to left, I ...

Belly Dance 2008-02-19 12:28:00 Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?-Old Man: Certainly not.-Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to loose, if you tell me the time?-Old Man: Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the time.-Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?-Old Man: See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.-Young Man: Quite possible.-Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.-Young Man: Quite possible.-Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me. Then as a courtesy, I will offer you a cup of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to come again. This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it?-Young Man: Possible-Old Man: made it Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you &; you will admire my daughter.-Young Man: Smiles. ;)-Old Man: Now onwards you ...