Special Kind of Stupid Humor by and for the comedically impaired. Statistics Unique Visitors: Total Unique Visitors: Outgoing: Total Outgoing: 0 0 0 2157

Articles from Special Kind of Stupid

The Dramatic Pause 2008-02-07 13:28:29 In college, I would often sit down in front of my television with a bowl of generic Ramen noodles or a ham sandwich and watch gourmet meals being prepared on the Food Channel. Why would I do this? Well, probably for the same reason a short person watches basketball or Bill Clinton watches The Bachelor. Now, a decade later, I often turn the television channel to HGTV even though I’m a renter instead of a homeowner. Why? Well, because there’s only so much Rachel Ray a person can take. (more…)        ...

The Boy and the Size 13 1/2 Shoe 2008-02-06 10:32:17 In an effort to clean the albatross that is my bedroom, this past weekend I went through some of the items in my closet. In the process, I found many of the shoes from my youth. There were my snake skin cowboy boots, an item of fashion awesomeness that has yet to be matched. There were my Nike Air Charles Barkley USA Olympic basketball shoes circa 1992, which destroyed my feet when I wore them to Disney World on a family vacation one summer. And then there were my blue baseball cleats… It was the summer before my eighth grade year in school. On the way back home from a family vacation in Florida, we stopped by a Nike Outlet we spotted. It was a warehouse full of Nike products at discount prices. For a sports-obsessed, 14-year-old boy it was heaven. I went straight to the baseball section of the warehouse. Nike batting gloves at the time were - and maybe still are - pretty mediocre, so I bypassed them pretty quickly. Nike t-shirts? I can get those anywhere. Wrist bands? No thanks ...

All Work and no Play Make Kevin go Crazy 2008-02-05 12:26:14 Even though I have an office job, “meetings” do not dominate my schedule the way they probably do most office workers. In my two plus years in this work environment, I say I’ve had to endure being trapped in a meeting maybe only one hour a week on average. However, for the past two weeks I have had an endless caravan of meetings to attend. I would consider these meetings a pleasant change from my daily routine if not for the fact they are so terribly, terribly unpleasant. I equate meetings to Chinese Water Torture. A drop of water repeatedly hitting you on the forehead may seem like nothing at first. But after a few hours, it begins to irritate you. And after a few days, well, you become insane. “But wait,” you might be thinking. “If meetings are like Chinese Water Torture, and a few days of it drives you insane, what happens after two weeks??” An excellent question. Before I respond, allow me to first lay down my stapler and tape dispenser for ...

Washing Your Coffee Mug: Sanitary or Pure Evil? 2008-01-24 16:08:31 My affection for coffee has been discussed ad nauseum here on my blog. A quick search of the word “coffee” brings back 16 different blog posts. As a result, my #1 Dad coffee mug has received almost cult-like status. You crazy kids and your cults… A few moments ago, while sipping some French Vanilla coffee goodness in my mug at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, two things dawned on me. One, my drinking coffee in the middle of the afternoon might have something to do with my insomnia problem. Two, I have never, despite using it every Monday through Friday for over two years, washed this coffee mug. Before any of you report me to the FDA, allow me to clarify: I do thoroughly rinse out my coffee mug (almost) daily in hot water. I just don’t use any rags or brushes (or soap) to clean it. Some might say that this is still unsanitary. I would argue that coffee’s abundant awesomeness purifies and cleans the mug better than any soap or brush ever could. And by not ... Washing

Yes, Virginia, There is a Recession 2008-01-22 13:07:14 Probably because it sounds so much like “recess,” the word “recession” doesn’t scare me. Whenever I hear someone say the word I begin daydreaming about being a kid again, climbing monkey bars on a playground and “accidentally” knocking the other kids down. Good times, good times. Of course, a few seconds - okay, minutes - later I wake up and realize they weren’t talking about wacky playground adventures. They were talking about the sinkhole that is the current state of the economy. Granted, the United States was probably due for another recession. We haven’t had one since 2001-2002. But I have to think the greedy, idiotic, insanely stupid, good for nothing, mush for brains responsible for the whole subprime mortgage mess (both the lenders and the borrowers) played a big hand in getting the ol’ recession ball rolling. Thanks, guys. Thanks a bunch. I hope karma (or Chuck Norris) gives you all a swift kick to the butt while weari ...

Special Kind of Uncle 2008-01-18 12:48:27 You know it’s been a long time since you’ve updated your blog when you have regular readers - some who are notorious for not updating their own blogs - leave you comments calling you out. It’s like having Keith Richards comment on your drug habit, Billy Joel comment on your bad driving, or Rosie O’Donnell comment on your abnormally large head. It hits home. So where have I been? Glad you asked. My younger brother had a baby boy last week. He’s the first of my siblings to have a child, or get married for that matter (I can hear my mom weeping for me as I write this). Needless to say, this has thrown off my and the rest of my family’s schedule. We all just can’t get enough of that new baby smell. While holding my new nephew for the first time yesterday, some deep thoughts popped into my head. Thoughts on what will happen when I eventually have children of my own (calm down, mom…I’m just thinking out loud). In no particular order, her ...

To Boldly Go Where No Chicken Little Has Gone Before 2008-01-07 14:57:59 I find it both sad and funny that now that I’m debt free and in a position where I can begin saving money and investing it for the first time, a recession looms over the economy. The first three days of trading in 2008 were the lowest in the stock market’s history since 1929. I’m no economist, but I’m pretty sure any reference to The Great Depression era is a bad one. That said, I take comfort in the knowledge that things in the stock market (like everything else in life) are never as bad as they appear. The people who do this for a living or as a hobby are, by and large, Chicken Littles. When it’s sunny outside they are convinced it will be that way forever, but as soon as a single rain drop falls they begin screaming and running for cover in anticipation of an upcoming flood. Which brings me to one of my favorite quotes about money: Be fearful when others are greedy… be greedy only when others are fearful. - Warren Buffet Of course, anyone who has seen The Mu ...

A Letter to Future Me 2008-01-01 15:40:29 Dear Future Me, I am writing this on the heels of my/your 30th birthday. Admitting this age feels very odd and surreal. In my head, I’m still 18. The expression I’ve just now coined, “time really flies when you are incredibly awesome” is all too true. To freshen your memory, the purpose of this letter is simple: to give you insight into where you were at age 30 and to give you a kick in the pants if life has gotten off course. As you should remember, similar letters were written at ages 20 and 10 (the latter being our infamous “girls are stupid” letter). Also, since our birthday is so close to New Year’s, this letter also fills the role of New Year’s Resolution for 2008. If that’s not killing two birds with one stone, I don’t know what is. Singlehood You are single. You have run the numbers in your head and come to the conclusion that being in another long-term relationship is a mathematical impossibility. But then you rememb ...

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas 2007-12-24 11:02:30 Merry Christmas, everyone!        ...

Generation: Enable 2007-12-19 23:00:56 “He’s trying to destroy my son. ALL of you are!” - parent of one of my former students I am not yet married. I have no children. For many, these facts render my point of view regarding anything to do with parenthood irrelevant and totally useless. That might be true. Of course, I think these facts also mean that I am detached and impartial. If you combine these with my having been a high school teacher and coach for three years, positions that required me to be a sometimes unwilling participant in the parent-child dynamic, I think I have an unique perspective on the topic. So what’s my perspective? Sadly, I believe too many parents and children are out of their freakin’ minds. (more…)        ...

If by “30? You Mean “More Awesome,” Then Yes I’m About to Turn 30 2007-12-18 14:01:33 There’s an awful rumor making the rounds lately that needs to be taken behind a shed and whipped with a stick. I am not turning 30. It is scientifically impossible. Any claim to the contrary is a slap in the face to science and all things truly awesome. Facts are facts: I am too youthful to be turning 30. My face is virtually wrinkle free. Some will tell you this is simply a result of my having avoided the sun like the plague. To that I say: “Have you seen George Hamilton lately? The sun is out to get us all!” Oh sure, the birth date on my driver’s license indicates I am about to turn 30. But that is obviously a typo. Or, more likely, it was a deliberate mistake made by a DMV worker jealous of my youthful glow. And yes, my high school graduation was 11 years ago. In theory, if I graduated at 18, that puts me right near the age of 30. But you see, people, I was a prodigy - a modern-day Doogie Howser, if you will. In short, it’s my contention that I graduate ...

Run for Your Lives! Paris Hilton Looking for a “Nice Boy” 2007-12-12 13:01:34 In the wake of my last post, where among other things I stated I was “a nice guy you can take home to mom and dad,” Paris Hilton has made news by giving the following quote to the press: “Right now I’m single, but I am looking for a nice boy,” Hilton told reporters in Berlin on Wednesday. “He should be funny, smart and loyal.” Needless to say, this revelation has terrified me. I realize Paris Hilton was likely speaking about no one in particular. The odds of her having read my blog, seen the qualities she’s looking for in me, and made the above quote with me in mind are slim at best. Then why am I so terribly, terribly afraid? Why do I imagine her and I having the following conversation after she tracked down my address and knocked on my front door? Paris: Hi, I’m Paris Hilton. Are those tapered jeans? Me: Yes? Paris: That’s hot. My head hurts just thinking about it. I’m a big believer in hedging your bets. Even though ... Paris Hilton

Sad Commentary on Society, or Just Sad? 2007-12-10 10:16:36 My insanely controversial last post aside, readers of my site (”SKOS” as the kids like to call it) know that good, clean, dry humor is my calling card. Unless you are Amish, in which case I’m telling on you because you shouldn’t be on the Internet, nothing I have ever written is likely to have offended you. And that’s because my writing reflects my personality. “A nice guy you can take home to mom and dad” isn’t just a tattoo I have written on my forehead, it’s who I am. I write all that to intro a local radio commercial I have heard three times in the past week. It’s a commercial unlike any I have ever seen or heard before. My writing about it could (potentially) offend some of you, so tread lightly. (Note: I am paraphrasing and relying on memory) Begin commercial Did you know that men who pay child support pay an average of $250,000 in child support over the life of each child? Did you also know that 30% of men who have a DN ...

This is Me Being Controversial 2007-12-06 09:03:07 Someone recently e-mailed me saying my site was too “nice” to be a humor blog. Sir, that sounds like a challenge. Now you’ve asked for it! Color me confused, but if Extra Virgin Olive Oil is as advertised how is there seemingly a never ending supply of the stuff? Granted, I’m no expert on the reproductive habits of olives, but something just doesn’t add up. Methinks a few olives aren’t being entirely truthful. … Why are sticky notes so popular? On my computer monitor at work, I have a dozen sticky notes with various notes or reminders written on them. But they are constantly falling down. Whenever I want to put one up, I have to get some tape and forcibly adhere the sticky note to my monitor. It must be the pretty colors that make sticky notes so popular. It certainly isn’t the performance. I think the inventors of sticky notes pulled a fast one on all of us. … Perhaps I’m being unsympathetic, but I believe a stupid tax shou ...

Team Names in Sports are Offensive… and Hilarious 2007-12-03 21:17:22 UPDATED 12/5/07 - Over the weekend, my family got into a discussion about stupid team names in sports. “Who came up with the name Houston Texans,” someone asked. “Yeah, that’s like having a team named the Atlanta Georgians,” someone else responded (okay, it was me). It was then that I theorized the name came about as a result of people wanting to be 100% politically correct. “Houston Texans” was a name that couldn’t possibly offend anyone. What followed was twenty minutes of me running down every team name I could think of and theorizing how someone - anyone - could be offended by the name (no matter how silly). In other words, what followed was comedy magic. (more…)        ...