Special Kind of Stupid Humor by and for the comedically impaired. Statistics Unique Visitors: Total Unique Visitors: Outgoing: Total Outgoing: 0 0 3 2425

Articles from Special Kind of Stupid

Delay in Updates 2007-09-23 15:28:18 I haven’t updated since Thursday and likely won’t be updating until tomorrow due to my dad having his appendix taken out Friday morning. It burst on him early Friday - while he was at the hospital waiting, no less - so his recovery will take a bit of time. He’s doing well, though, and tentatively due to be released from the hospital on Thursday. Your prayers are appreciated.        ...

Dear Reader: A Three Hour Tour? 2007-09-20 12:24:47 Today’s installment of Dear Reader goes out to the individual from Amstelveen, Noord-Holland in the Netherlands who browsed my site today for 3 hours, 13 minutes and 58 seconds. A big thanks to humor-blogs.com for referring this individual. Dear Reader, Wow. What can I say? Thank you for visiting my site and staying for such a long time. My records show that you viewed 85 different posts of mine. Again, wow. It saddens me that you did not leave me any comments, though. For one thing, your leaving a comment would have given me a way to contact you and say thanks - either by e-mail or, if you supplied a web address, leaving a comment of my own at your site. Secondly, just like a zombie needs to eat brains, my blog needs comments in order to thrive. Juicy, delicious, stick-to-your ribs comments. You know, something here just doesn’t seem right. There are only two reasons someone would browse a blog for over three hours, but not leave a single comment: My sarcastic wit left th ...

OJ Simpson, the Armed Robber? Doesn’t Sound Like the OJ I Know 2007-09-19 09:33:25 On September 13th, O.J. Simpson and two co-defendants allegedly pointed guns at two individuals, taking their sports memorabilia along with the cell phone of one of the individuals and the baseball cap and sunglasses of the other individual. Call me a skeptic, but that doesn’t sound like the O.J. Simpson I know. Simpson might be many things, but he isn’t an armed robber. Oh sure, he has previously killed two people in cold blood. I’ll give you that. But armed robber? That just isn’t him. To claim otherwise is a slap in the face to all good-natured, quasi-evil murderers everywhere. Just look at the facts. In this case, Simpson is charged with pointing a gun. A gun. Does that sound like O.J. Simpson to you? Simpson’s weapon of choice has, and always will be, a knife. As Johnnie Cochran would say, “if the weapons aren’t the same, you must do something that rhymes with ’same’ but means let him go.” Also, Simpson is alleged to have ...

Softball Fight Club 2007-09-18 14:16:16 In thirteen years playing baseball and three years coaching, I never experienced a fight on or off the field. Oh sure, we had our share of batters being hit by pitches and players becoming angry, but nothing serious. Had I ever experienced a fight of some sort, even a small one, I might have been better prepared for what happened that summer evening in 2005 - the evening I was introduced to Softball Fight Club. The summer after my high school teaching and coaching career came to a close, I volunteered to be my dad’s assistant coach on a girl’s fast-pitch softball team for ages 15 to 18. Both of my sisters were on the team, and this was to be the last time they would be playing together before the oldest went off to college. Naturally, thanks in large part to my awesome coaching ability, we were the best team in the league. However, there was one other elite team in the league that played in another town, a team we had yet to play. It was a team that physically scared the ot ...

Teaching Story #62: My Computer Died 2007-09-17 14:22:24 Most of the stories I like to tell about my days as a high school teacher involve my students. The time a student turned in a research paper on the history of hamburgers for computer class is an obvious example. Still, a few stories involve my co-workers (i.e. my fellow teachers). In an organization with mostly older individuals who were at best computer illiterate and at worst terrified computers would soon take over the world and enslave all humans, I was bestowed the title of resident, all-knowing “computer guy” when I came on board. Now, some of you can already relate to my predicament. Perhaps you have a friend who is technologically challenged and who relies on you to help them whenever they need to send an e-mail attachment? Maybe you have a loved one who needs your help every time they have to print something? Or maybe you have a relative who calls you in a panic every time the words they type are “magically” displayed in all capital letters? Now, imagin ...

What Do Aliens Feed On? 2007-09-15 17:27:03 For all practical purposes, this blog of mine is not yet two months old. Sure, I registered the domain way back in 2003, but it sat around doing nothing for years. When I finally started using it, all it did was point to my old Wordpress.com blog. The older posts you find here came over from that blog, in fact. As such, innovations like promoting the site and tracking the visitors who come here are fairly recent developments for me. I write all that to say it truly, truly pains me that I have not been tracking my visitors since the beginning. Seriously, seeing how some people arrived at my site is comedy magic. Because the topics I write about are all over the map (I’ve talked about a cat I expect is a serial killer, written a tribute to Orville Redenbacher, written a fake news story where the Atlanta Braves euthanize one of their pitchers, etc.), the search terms that can be used to bring people to my site is absurdly amazing. That is why I have to decided to add a new feature t ...

Does This Mean I’m Going to Marry a Werewolf? 2007-09-14 11:42:47 I know what you are thinking right now. “I wonder how many times Kev has eaten Chinese food for lunch the past two years?” Wonder no more, my friend. The answer is fifteen. I have eaten Chinese food fifteen times for lunch in the past two years. I know this for two reasons: 1) my memory is that awesome, and 2) I have not cleaned my desk in two years and all of the fortunes from my fortune cookies are in one of my desk drawers. Now, you’re probably wondering what message was on each of those fifteen fortunes. My, aren’t you the curious one. I like that about you. Okay, I’ll give you a few. Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. Well, I did give a homeless man $5 at an Atlanta Hawks game one time. And this one time, in college, I got a 99 on a paper and was really bummed that I didn’t get a 100. Cookies go stale. Fortunes are forever. This one is too deep for me to even make a comment. You need not worry about your future. Well, that&rsq ...

Blogger’s Choice Awards (A Shameless Promotion) 2007-09-13 09:37:54 As part of my continuing (I just started doing this today) effort to show my loyal readers (all four of you) exciting, cool things online (i.e. things that will benefit me in some way), I want to quickly write about the Blogger’s Choice Awards (and why you should go vote for me). What are the Blogger’s Choice Awards, you ask (as if the name didn’t give it away)? I’m glad you asked. It is a site where anyone (this means YOU) can nominate and vote for your favorite blogs in numerous categories. You can even nominate and vote for your own blog (no comment). You have to register at their site, but it’s quick and free and once you do it you’ll be able to nominate and vote for as many blogs as you like (Note: do not vote for any blog that is competing against me in a category). So why participate (as if the honor of voting for me isn’t enough)? Well, for one, it’s fun. You’ll come into contact with all sorts of new and interesting blogs. ...

When I Sneeze, I Turn Into Brad Pitt 2007-09-12 11:00:52 I have a dilemma on my hands. Since I moved to my new office earlier this year, I have come into contact with someone or something that I am allergic to. At home, no sneezing. At work, it’s Sneezapalooza. I sneeze so hard and so often, co-workers are afraid to bring their small children into the building for fear I will scare and/or injure them. There is also the little matter of it being difficult to get your work done when you are sneezing every 2.81 seconds. So where’s the dilemma? Unlike everyone else in the world, I look good when I sneeze. It’s true. Granted, I have been unable to visually confirm this since my eyes are closed when I sneeze (and even if they weren’t, my image does not reflect in mirrors), but I have it on good authority I am one handsome devil when I do one of my patented “having to sneeze at the exact moment I am drinking coffee” tricks. True, the individual who stated it had that creepy “stalker” vibe about him, ...

Optimistic Thoughts: OJ, Milli and Steven 2007-09-11 15:37:00 Call me an optimist, but I’m still keeping my fingers crossed that O.J. will one day find the real killer…   Call me an optimist, but I believe history will prove Milli Vanilli sang their own songs…   Call me an optimist, but I still contend Steven, the super-annoying Dell Dude, was framed…        ...

A Glimpse Into the Future 2007-09-10 15:34:43 I have seen the future and it is not pretty. Society is divided into two groups: 1. Those who wear Bluetooth headsets on their ears, and 2. Those who want to punch in the face those who wear them.        ...

Too Many Passwords to Remember? It’s Time We Switch to the Honor System 2007-09-10 10:04:20 I am growing very tired of passwords. There are just way, way, way too many to remember. My e-mail account has a password. My bank accounts have passwords. My place of employment requires several passwords. My retirement account has a password. My blog has a password. Passwords…PASSWORDS…PASSWORDS! It’s enough to drive a sane man to drink Diet Pepsi. I, for one, am tired of having to remember all of these different passwords. I’m only one man. There is only so much information I can fit into my brain. True, I could purge my brain of some seemingly irrelevant items to clear space (Did you know Jim Presley was the third baseman for the Atlanta Braves in 1990, the year before Terry Pendleton came aboard and the team started its dynasty?), but doing so would be insanity. Why should my awesome knowledge of sports and pop culture have to be erased simply to make room for some stupid passwords? I propose we do away with passwords altogether. They are archaic. We&rsqu ...

Do Aliens Have Feet? 2007-09-07 10:53:11 The tendency of one’s socks to disappear is something we all have experienced. This phenomenon (yes, I believe that word is apt) has been discussed, joked about and analyzed by people for seemingly forever. Personally, I have never paid much attention to it. Until now. For most of my life, I knew (or so I thought) why my socks kept disappearing. One, I had two brothers who would borrow/steal them. Two, my mom would sometimes drop one in the abyss that was our laundry room (a sock that fell to the ground in there was surely never to be heard from again). In short, my socks were not “disappearing” - they were being stolen and/or lost by family members. However, since I graduated from college my socks have continued to disappear. Now that I was out on my own and in charge of washing my own clothes, I could no longer finger my mom as a reason socks were vanishing. However, one of my brothers lived with me. Naturally, I assumed he was continuing his side job as an evil so ...

Hi! Mind if I Interrupt You on Your Lunch Break? 2007-09-06 15:01:41 Hi there! I see you are eating lunch. I finished mine about forty minutes ago. I like to eat early. Mind if I sit down and chat about work? Great! I’ll take that pause you made while chewing your food as a “yes.” I tell ya, this project is kicking our tails. What are we going to do? Boy, that soup looks good. What kind is it? Huh, tofu? I didn’t quite understand what you just said. Anyway, what is up with Suzie? She has such an attitude! I mean, I just popped my head into her office a few minutes ago and she could barely put her fork down for two seconds to talk to me. If only I had the authority to fire her. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. How on earth are we going to make that October deadline? Nobody seems to be on the same page. People either don’t care, like Suzie, or they care too much. I mean, I just finished talking to Brad. The deadline is obviously weighing on him because he kept looking up at the clock on his wall every few seconds. Hey, you ...

Be Like Blue: Never Give Up 2007-09-06 00:34:40 “I see Blue. He looks glooorious.” - Will Ferrell in the movie Old School It was news that slipped through the cracks during the busy holiday season, but actor Patrick Cranshaw passed away just before the New Year. He was 86. Cranshaw was a mostly unknown actor for nearly 50 years. Then, at the age of 84, he played the role of Joseph “Blue” Palasky in the movie Old School. Instantly, he received cult-like status. Fans would yell out lines from the movie whenever they saw him (”You’re my boy, Blue!”). Websites were created by fans in his honor. His family members say he loved the attention. After hearing the news of his death, an odd thought popped into my head. Did Patrick Cranshaw ever get discouraged about his life? If his goal as an actor was simply to work and earn a paycheck, Cranshaw had a satisfying career. But if he sought recognition and acclaim, his career had to be a frustrating one. If “fame” was one of his dreams, I hav ...