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Articles from Special Kind of Stupid

Quality #27 I Look for in a Woman: Doesn’t Snore 2007-10-16 11:15:26 My long weekend was amazing. I feel refreshed, rejuvenated, born again, alive and any other cool word you want to throw into the mix. However, I am a tad sleep deprived. My weekend required me to share a room with a few individuals who snore. Loudly. All night long. Sometime around four o’clock in the morning Friday, after I had been lying awake in bed for several hours due to snoring I swear could break the sound barrier, I mentally jotted down in my head a quality that I need to look for in a wife: she needs to be a non-snorer. I am not a full-fledged insomniac, but sometimes I might as well be. Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night, I have a three minute window to fall back asleep. If I need to go to the restroom, I have three minutes to do my business, get back to bed, close my eyes and fall asleep. Otherwise, I stay awake. For the rest of the night. No matter how tired I am. As a single guy, this isn’t a problem. I’m alone. There’s nothing and no on ...

Pick the Punchline 2007-10-11 13:23:19 I will be out of town the next four days. Sadly, this means I will be unable to give all of you, my faithful readers/fans/stalkers, your daily dose dry, pointless wit. Now, now, do not cry. I have devised a little something to (hopefully) keep you entertained while I am away. There are a few writing techniques I use over and over in my stories. One of my favorites goes something like this: I give a completely normal and sane scenario (Example: my socks keep disappearing). I write: “Naturally, I have come to the only logical conclusion one could make in such a situation.” I come up with a completely illogical conclusion (Example: an alien is breaking into my home and stealing my socks). I then proceed to take that illogical conclusion and run with it. You’ve seen me do it in The Haunting, Identical Twins Reunited by Awesome Dude and Awesome Dude’s Brother, Do Aliens Have Feet, and most recently in I Have a Stalker (and Ants in My Car). Yeah, I know. Comic gold. ...

I Have a Stalker (and Ants in My Car) 2007-10-10 10:25:34 I have ants in my car. How the ants got inside my car is a mystery. I do not have food in my car. There are no empty bottles or cans. With the exception of some books, a couple envelopes and lots of dust, the inside of my car is clean. In short, there is simply no reason for ants to want to go inside my car. Naturally, I have come to the only logical conclusion one could make in such a situation: I have a stalker, and he or she put the ants inside my car as some sort of psychotic gesture of love. Having stalkers is nothing new to me. Last year, when my old blog was getting dozens and dozens of daily hits from someone in California, I put a stop to it by writing a post asking the stalker (i.e. Jessica Alba) to move on with her life. Now I will try to do the same with this unbalanced, ant-loving stalker. Crazy stalker person, Thank you for your gift. However, I must politely decline and state that I do not want ants in my car. I am sure in your crazy little brain, ants are creatures to ...

My College: Keeping Students Stupified Since 1968 2007-10-09 12:42:48 I have a love/appreciate/hate relationship with the school I went to for my undergrad degree. I loved the reasonably-low in-state tuition. I appreciated the underrated, quality education it gave me. I hated the head-scratching, brain-cell killing, sometimes moronic administration and staff. (more…)        ...

My Alma Mater: Keeping Students Stupified Since 1968 2007-10-09 12:42:48 I have a love/appreciate/hate relationship with the school I went to for my undergrad degree. I loved the reasonably-low in-state tuition. I appreciated the underrated, quality education it gave me. I hated the head-scratching, brain-cell killing, sometimes moronic administration and staff. Cue the back story: 1. This school once told me I had lost an academic scholarship my freshman year, only to tell me a semester later it made a mistake and I still had it. 2. This school once sent me a nice, polite, congratulatory letter. Why were they congratulating me? Because I had just graduated from their college. Two problems: One, I was only a sophomore. Two, I wasn’t even enrolled at their school at the time. I had transferred five months earlier. 3. This school once assigned me to an adviser who I question whether or not had any knowledge of the school, its courses, my major, what classes I needed, or who the heck I was. As such, he enrolled me in classes I later found out I did not n ...

Every Superman Has His Kryptonite 2007-10-08 11:47:37 Like everyone else in the world who was blessed with the power of awesomeness by God, I possess several unique gifts. I have the gift - some would call it a curse - of being a reservoir of pop culture and sports knowledge. I am wise with money. I can chop onions, more times than not, without cutting one of my fingers. Also, onions do not make me cry. I am very observant. In the late 90s, I correctly surmised the band Hanson was three dudes when everyone else I knew swore they were three girls. I also correctly surmised that their music was annoying. True story. However, for all my strengths, I have one super, glaring, huge weakness… I am directionally challenged. Actually, that’s not fair. I don’t deserve to be grouped with your typical directionally-challenged individual. I am worse. Much, much worse. If I had been Frodo in Lord of the Rings, the movies would have been ten hours longer because I would have gotten lost two dozen times. Allow me to produce evidence of ...

How Frugality Turned Me Into a Coffee Addict 2007-10-05 21:52:32 In my adult life, I have gone entire calendar years without having a single cup of coffee. I didn’t dislike coffee. I liked it okay, I suppose. I just never understood the huge appeal (much less why so many people were flat-out addicted to it). That was until two years ago. Two years ago, I began working at my current place of employment. There was three beverage options in the break room: sodas, water and coffee. Sodas cost 50 cents each. Water and coffee were free. Free coffee. A frugal guy like me didn’t stand a chance. Suddenly, I went from drinking maybe two or three cups of coffee a year (usually during the Winter around the holidays) to drinking two or three cups a day. Soon, that number was increased to four cups a day. Then the cups doubled in size. And then I began throat punching co-workers who got between me and the coffee machine. When the large paper cups in the kitchen didn’t cut it for me anymore, I borrowed one of my dad’s large coffee mugs. He ...

Writing a Good Legal Contract is All About Balance 2007-10-03 23:01:57 As many of you know, web design is a hobby of mine. As such, you might be wondering why I chose to take an already existing Wordpress template and turn it upside down on its head rather that just create one of my own from scratch? Well, one, I’m lazy. Two, it gave me the opportunity to both create and destroy. I destroyed the old template as I breathed life into a new one. I’m like a taxidermist who runs over squirrels in his car. Anyway, even though I have designed web pages “on the side” for people for a number of years, I’m just now requiring clients to sign legal contracts. Up to this point, I’ve always designed websites for people I know. No legal mumbo jumbo necessary. But now, as I slowly take on clients who are strangers to me, I need legally-binding contracts. As a lawyer, which I will be with four more years of school and a passing bar exam grade, I sat down in front of my computer and began drawing up a website design contract. Two minutes ...

Helping the New York Mets Through the Five Stages of Grief 2007-10-01 16:20:00 Humanitarian that I am, my heart goes out today to New York Mets players. A day after completing one of the worst collapses in baseball history, a collapse that saw them lose a 7-game division lead with 17 games to go in the season, Mets Nation is hurting right now. My caring heart compels me to try to help them through this painful time. As a licensed sports psychologist, which I will be with 4 more years of school and a license, I will try to help Mets players deal with their grief as they go through the five stages of…well, grief. 1. Denial Many in Mets Nation will be denial about their team’s historic collapse. “At least we made a good run at it,” they might think to themselves. Friend, such thoughts are dangerous. The sooner you come to grips with the fact your team will go down in history as one of the biggest choke artists in the history of sports the sooner you will be able to get on with your life. Granted, the rest of your life will have to be spent b ...

Deep Thought for October 2007 2007-09-30 23:46:56 Time is what turns kittens into cats. A polite “nod in your general direction” to the first person to correctly site cite the source.        ...

People Who Can’t Park Their Vehicles Make Me Want to Hurt Said People 2007-09-28 14:12:15 It’s time for a rant… Call it an unfair generalization if you must, but everyone else in the world stinks at parking. Seriously, folks. How difficult is it to place your vehicle squarely between two lines? On the list of “things that are hard to do,” parking your vehicle ranks somewhere between “not stabbing yourself when spreading butter on bread” and “blinking.” It’s one thing if you have a gigantic SUV or van and have difficulty leaving sufficient space between the lines for the vehicles next to you. Some of these vehicles are so large (and the spaces so small), there is only so much a driver can do. Not so surprisingly, drivers of these vehicles are usually self aware and do their best to leave other vehicles room. If their first parking attempt isn’t successful, they will reverse, straighten their wheels, and try again. But then again, some do not. Bad parking jobs seem to have no common theme other than being done by pe ...

I’ve Become One of “Those” People 2007-09-27 14:44:51 On the lazy scale, there’s people who ask other people to get them things instead of getting up and getting the things themselves, there’s people who go to the gym for the sole purpose of sitting in the steam room, there’s me in high school during summer break, and there’s these people. I realize that some people have difficulty walking. Maybe they’re injured? Maybe they have a bad hip? Maybe they have young children? Maybe they’re in high heels? I remind myself of these possibilities whenever I go to a parking lot and see vehicles who sit and wait forever for a “close” parking space to open. Never mind the fact there are numerous free parking places about thirty yards away, these individuals are content to hover around the parking lot and wait for something closer. I know some of them have legitimate reasons to need a closer parking space, but I also know that more than a few of them are waiting simply because they don’t want to wa ...

Back Into the Lion’s Den, Part 2 2007-09-26 15:28:05 It’s been two days of good news in my family. My dad came home from the hospital today during lunch. My mom got back from her vacation in Hawaii (yes, the entire time my dad was in the hospital, my mom and her sister were thousands of miles away and helpless to do anything). As if all that weren’t enough, yesterday, I finally received my Citi CashReturns credit card in the mail. (Why am I talking about a credit card with so much else going on right now? Well, when you expect me to zig, I like to zag. Also, since I’m not quite ready to transition back into “funny” mode, “oh no…he’s talking about money again” mode it will have to be…) The CashReturns card allows me to achieve my goal of never having to carry around the headache ready to happen known as my debit card. If you need a refresher on why I hate debit cards so much, go read Part One. But to summarize my hatred: debit cards are huge security risks. The security risks a ...

Why You Should Call 911 Instead of Driving to the ER 2007-09-24 10:04:14 The following will likely come off as a rant (this is me, after all), but it’s needed so that I can give some helpful, possibly life-saving advice for you or loved one if ever faced with a similar predicament. It’s also a cathartic exercise for me. Emergency Rooms are where sick people go to sit and wait. Many of the doctors, nurses and staff who work at them are truly wonderful, caring people. But many others are not. Many are people who were born to hold jobs that do not require contact of any kind with other human beings, but have instead chosen a vocation that requires them to help and comfort other individuals who are scared, hurting and tired. And even if an ER is filled with good employees, it might be too small to address patients in a timely manner. Either way, the end result is the ER being the place sick people go to sit and wait. My dad checked into the ER at 9:30 on a Thursday evening with severe pain in his side. He could barely move, and he suspected it was ...

Why You Should Call 911 Instead of Drive to the ER 2007-09-24 10:04:14 The following will likely come off as a rant (this is me, after all), but it’s needed so that I can give some helpful, possibly life-saving advice in case you or a loved one is ever faced with a similar predicament. It’s also a cathartic exercise for me. Emergency Rooms are where sick people go to sit and wait. Many of the doctors, nurses and staff who work at them are truly wonderful, caring people. But many others are not. Many are people who were born to hold jobs that do not require contact of any kind with other human beings, but have instead chosen a vocation that requires them to help and comfort other individuals who are scared, hurting and tired. And even if an ER is filled with good employees, it might be too small to address patients in a timely manner. Either way, the end result is the same: ER is the place sick people go to sit and wait. My dad checked into the ER at 9:30 on a Thursday evening with severe pain in his side. He could barely move, and he suspecte ...