Special Kind of Stupid Humor by and for the comedically impaired. Statistics Unique Visitors: Total Unique Visitors: Outgoing: Total Outgoing: 0 0 3 2425

Articles from Special Kind of Stupid

Seriously, Enough with the Ants Already 2007-11-30 11:17:04 How were all of your mornings? Good? That’s wonderful. How was my morning? Glad you asked. My morning was spent fighting ants. I am still, as I’m writing this, fighting ants. An ant just crawled across my keyboard. Another just crawled on my hand. “Kevin, please tell us more about your interesting and exciting ant problem,” you ask? I’ll be happy to. The day started just like any other. I woke up, did some yoga, showered, got dressed, sat around being awesome for a while, and then headed for my car so I could drive to work. When I opened my car door, what do I find? Ants. About thirty of them. Where did they come from? It doesn’t really matter, although my readers know I have a theory about their origins. For the next five to ten minutes, I became an ant assassin. “Die ants, die” was my mantra. After the last one had bit the dust, I got into my car. Thanks to the ants, I was going to be late to work. About five minutes into my drive, I no ...

Smokey-isms 2007-11-28 11:23:37 I have a list of “things.” Knowing useless pop culture trivia is one of my things. Being insanely bad with directions is one of my things. Being awesome is one of my things. The list goes on and on, and I think it’s about time I began documenting them. One of the “things” I do that my family members just love involves my cat, Smokey. Basically, I like to give Smokey credit for inventing things and for being proficient in anything and everything. I call them Smokey-isms. You may call them gold nuggets of comedic magic. What’s a Smokey-ism? Allow me to give you a few examples: When my family gathered at my parents’ place one Saturday and watched the movie Happy Feet, the following was uttered by yours truly during various points in the film: “Did you know that Smokey invented tap dancing?” “Interesting side note, guys: Smokey invented animation.” “If Smokey was in this movie, the penguins would worship him.” Wh ...

Meme a Little Meme with Me 2007-11-26 10:03:18 CC from The Life and Times of a Confused Twenty-Something tagged me over Thanksgiving for what could potentially be a very risque meme named Six Guilty Pleasures. Dedicated readers of SKOS (which should be all of you since my blog’s very addictive) will recognize CC as the inspiration behind my Dear Reader: A Three Hour Tour? post from September. So do I have any guilty pleasures? No, of course not. But read on anyway. Name six guilty pleasures no one would suspect you of having: 1. I like Mandy Moore. No, not as an actress (although she’s not bad). And no, not for her looks (although she is very pretty). I like her music. Okay, that is a slight exaggeration - I like one song of hers. 2. I like to watch the Food channel. Specifically, I like Alton Brown of the show Good Eats and Giada De Laurentiss of the show Everyday Italian. I like one for being funny and witty, the other for being easy on the eyes. I’ll let you figure out who is who. 3. I tell people I have them ...

I’d Like to Deposit This Check… and Get Your Number 2007-11-21 12:22:38 Banks are sneaky. It’s become obvious to me that the management at my local bank reads my blog. Am I surprised? Well, no. My blog is awesome and incredibly funny - who wouldn’t want to read it? Still, I am a bit taken aback by the fact my bank is using information disclosed on my blog to lure me into giving them more of my money. It started off very subtle. 1. The bank is on my way to work. This makes my getting lost on the way to the bank almost impossible. Is it a coincidence they chose to build the bank at such a convenient location? I highly doubt it. 2. The parking places are very wide. This makes the likelihood of my having to park next to someone incapable of parking their vehicle between the two lines much, much lower. 3. Once inside the bank, I never have to wait in line for more than a minute. This significantly decreases the chances of my becoming trapped in line with unsupervised, quasi-evil children. I discovered their latest and most blatant trick while droppi ...

Nobody Puts Meme in a Corner * 2007-11-19 11:23:46 Over the weekend, Kathy from the very funny The Junk Drawer tagged me for a meme. What’s a meme? Beats me. I had to Google it. The trusted and always-accurate Wikipedia came through with a definition: A meme comprises a theoretical unit of cultural information, the building block of cultural evolution or diffusion that propagates from one mind to another analogously to the way in which a gene propagates from one organism to another as a unit of genetic information and of biological evolution. Needless to say, I was still confused. After a little more research from a more reputable source (i.e. anyone but Wikpedia), I discovered that a “meme” is a set of questions answered by one blogger, who then tags another blogger to answer those same questions. And so on and so on. Oh, so it’s like a homework assignment I can give to other people? Why didn’t Wikipedia just say so? Below are my answers to the Five Things About Blogging meme. I will do my best to be seri ...

I Am a Fashion Trendsetter 2007-11-15 09:56:37 “I think I can get another six or seven months (use) out of these two (pairs of blue jeans).” - me on 11/11/07 It turns out I was slightly off in my estimation of how long my jeans would last me. And by “slightly” I mean six or seven months. My “good” pair, the pair with a “slowly growing hole” in the crotch area, had to be put down. When I got home, the hole that was only an inch or so big when I left for work had grown to five inches. Also, it had a new friend. A second hole, two inches wide, had set up residence right beside it. “At least they found one another,” the hopeless romantic in me thought as I went to look for my stapler. Common sense then knocked on my door and informed me that stapling the holes in my jeans - especially in that area - probably wouldn’t be a good idea. Also, I couldn’t find my stapler. Now I had a real dilemma on my hands. It was the middle of the week and I would not be able to go sh ...

The Ultimate Christmas Gift 2007-11-12 22:38:24 Over the weekend, the topic of “Christmas presents” came up in conversation amongst members of my family. Eventually, my sister asked me what I was going to get her this year. My sister knows that I am frugal and that I put lots of thought into gifts. She also knows that I like to get gifts the person will get lots of use out of and/or will last the person a long, long time. That is why I did not understand her disappointment when I told her the following: “I’m going to get you a cardboard box.” (more…)        ...

Bluejean Blues 2007-11-11 18:49:36 I have noticed something that highly concerns me. When I was younger, I would play tackle football in my bluejeans. I would climb trees in my bluejeans. I would ride my bike around the neighborhood, occasionally falling down in the process, in my bluejeans. I did all of this, and my bluejeans would rarely - if EVER - get holes in them. Today, I wear my bluejeans as I drive to work, as I sit at my desk, and as I sit on my couch to watch TV. And somehow, my bluejeans become riddled with holes after only a couple of months. So why the change? Am I harder today on my jeans than I was as a kid? Or are jeans today just not made like they used to be? A cynic would immediately assume it’s the latter: the makers of bluejeans have started cutting corners to reduce their costs and increase profits. I am usually a cynic, but I don’t want to be one any more. I want to be upbeat and positive. With that in mind, I’ve decided to point all blame at yours truly. I must be doing somethi ...

Note to Self 2007-11-07 20:49:27 1. Writing about Daylight Savings Time… ….. comic gold. 2. Posts involving me hitting on Amish girls who may or may not be married… ….. big crowd pleaser. 3. Anything pertaining to coffee and my obsessing about coffee… ….. lots of blog comments. 4. Writing about baseball and spitting… ….. NO.        ...

Why Baseball Players Spit 2007-11-06 10:08:17 A funny blog I like to read recently wrote a post asking why baseball players and coaches are always spitting. It’s a fair question, but a difficult one to answer. It’s like asking why a rugby team stranded in the snowy Andes mountains after a plane crash would resort to cannabolism in order to survive. It’s something you have to be a part of to totally understand. For full disclosure, I played baseball from the age of six to my freshman year of college. In my early twenties, I coached baseball for three years. During my time as a player and coach, spitting wasn’t just something I did - it was something I tried to perfect. Why? What a bystander or fan doesn’t understand is that spitting and winning go hand in hand. In baseball, you cannot have one without the other. Show me a team with players and coaches who do not spit every five seconds and I will show you a team of losers. If a team wants to win, it has to spit. A lot. The good players - the really goo ... Baseball

You’ve Bested Me Again, Daylight Savings Time 2007-11-05 09:56:18 “Spring forward, fall back.” This little phrase that’s used as a reminder for when to change our clocks for Daylight Savings Time is cursed at in the spring (when we lose an hour of sleep) and praised in the fall (when we gain an hour). This past Saturday was one of those joyous occasions where we were to turn our clocks back and gain an hour of wonderful sleep. Only I didn’t. Because I forgot. Again. As I pulled into church Sunday morning to a near-empty parking lot, I picked up my cell phone and called my mom. “Where are you,” I asked. “What do you mean? It’s only ten o’clock,” she replied. “You forgot to turn back your clock didn’t you?” She knows me too well. Daylight Savings Time is an enigma I have yet to completely solve during my twenty-something years on this planet. And even on the occasions where I do remember to set my clock there is usually a fallout. I’m reminded of the time in college whe ...

How I Accidentally Hit on an Amish Girl 2007-11-02 10:50:20 After finally recuperating from the sugar fest known as Halloween, I have the energy to replay the events from that day in my head. This Halloween was just like any other until I bumped into a young couple wearing Amish costumes. Or at least I thought they were Amish costumes… “What original costumes,” I thought to myself. The man was wearing dark trousers and suspenders. He was clean shaven, but had long sideburns. The girl was wearing a plain, blue dress with a white apron, black bonnet and white cape. Now, since I am knowledgeable in all things Amish (i.e. I have seen the movie Witness and the epic music video Amish Paradise by Weird Al Yankovic), I knew right away that they weren’t a married couple. Assuming their costumes were historically accurate (and if you’re going to dress up like the Amish why wouldn’t you want to be historically accurate), both were single. Single Amish men are clean shaven. Single Amish women wear black bonnets and whi ...

How to Launch an Effective Strike 2007-10-26 10:12:10 The strike is over. After one week of living - if you can call it “living” - without French Vanilla Coffee Creamer in the break room at work, my employers have finally decided to cave in and replenish the cupboards. Oh, did I not mention I had gone on strike over this? My bad. While cruel in nature, my tactics while on strike obviously worked. The vanilla-coffee goodness I am sipping as I type this is proof they worked. And because I am a giver, I will now share with all of you the techniques I used so that you may duplicate them the next time you go on strike. Please, people. Use extreme caution with what I am about to share with you: Technique #1: Take Away Things They Enjoy I switched from my usual Axe Body Wash to regular, scentless Ivory bar soap. Just like they took away the pleasant aroma that is my morning cup(s) of coffee, I took away the morning scent they most enjoy - me. When walking around the building, I stopped my usual routine of singing Celine Dion songs. ...

Yes Ladies, I’m Single 2007-10-22 12:01:28 The weekend before last, I had to give a speech in front of an auditorium full of people. At the beginning of my speech, I was supposed to give the audience my name, my marital status, what church I attend, and other tidbits of information. Because I’m me, this is how I began my speech: “Hello. My name is Kevin (named omitted). And yes ladies…I’m single.” As recently as five years ago, like a majority of people, I suffered from stage fright. Public speaking ranked in the top two or three of things I loathed to do. God, in his infinite wisdom, decided, “Kevin, thou shalt become a high school teacher.” And so I did. People, nothing will cure you of a fear of public speaking quicker than a job that requires you to get in front of a room full of people who hate your guts day after day and talk to them. And not just any people, but teenagers. And not just talk to them, but teach them. It’s a tough job even for an experienced public speaker. ...

All Work & No French Vanilla Coffee Creamer Make Kevin Go Crazy 2007-10-19 09:15:25 Look, I’m not a high-maintenance person. Really, I’m not. There are just certain…expectations I have in my day-to-day life. For example, if I’m at a restaurant, thirty minutes shouldn’t go by between the time I ask the waitress for my bill and her actually bringing it to me. That’s perfectly reasonable, right? And if I’m at the grocery store, it’s reasonable for me to expect not see unsupervised children running and screaming down the aisles as they knock over food, right? And if a movie called Beautiful Girls comes on TV, it’s reasonable for me to expect Rosie O’Donnell not to be in it, right? Right? So why is it unreasonable for me to expect one of my co-workers to drop what they are doing and go buy some more French Vanilla coffee creamer for the break room?! I am sure there are coffee purists out there who are steadfast in their belief that coffee should only be drunk black with no creamer, sugar or sugar substitute. I am ... Amp  French