Steve Likes to Curse Writing, comics and random thoughts from really a rather vulgar man. Statistics Unique Visitors: Total Unique Visitors: Outgoing: Total Outgoing: 32 1566 3 9662

Articles from Steve Likes to Curse

An Absence of Guts: The Secret to Success in Presidential Politics 2007-03-04 09:31:11 A few years ago I read a short story by Charles Bukowski entitled ?The Gut-Wringing Machine.? It was a cynical and sharp bit of social satire, about two men whose job it was to run people through this medieval hand-cranked contraption that stripped the will and independence out of them like water from wet laundry. It seemed that a trip through the gut-wringing machine was unavoidable, that everyone had to get squeezed at least once, and the real troublemakers?the ones who just kept trying to go their own way no matter what?got treated to multiple times through. The men running the gut-wringing machine were relentless; they didn?t stop until you were wrung-out. I wonder if John McCain ever read that story. Even if he hasn?t, I bet he can tell you what the machine feels like first-hand. He?s been through it more than once. His last time was just a few days ago, right after he went on Letterman and had the unbelievable audacity to say that the lives of American troops have been wasted in ...

The Shittiest Films Ever Made, No. 6: Mr. Smith Goes to Washington 2007-03-03 09:34:00 The Shittiest Films Ever MadeNo. 6:  Mr. Smith Goes to Washington This film is considered a classic.  On lists of the greatest American films, it almost invariably finds a spot, often near the top.  To pick one list in particular, the American Film Institute ranked Mr. Smith Goes to Washington at #29 on its roll of the 100 greatest American films, ahead of such greatly honored works as The Godfather, Part II (#32), To Kill a Mockingbird (#34), The Third Man (#57), and City Lights (#76).  Which forces me to ask ? why?  Because now that I?ve seen it, I must say, it?s not all that great.  It?s not all that good.  It is, in fact, inescapably bad.  It?s made by competent people, to be sure  ?  director Frank Capra, Jimmy Stewart, Claude Rains ? but going in I hardly expected this to be the fruit of their talents.  Mr. Smith Goes to Washington is awkward, hammy and schmaltzy.  And did I mention schmaltzy?  Had I not already seen Love Story or Capra?s own It?s a Wonderful Life, I?d call this ...

Today at the Rotten Library I learned . . . 2007-03-02 13:13:12 Today at the Rotten Library I learned . . . . . . french fries can kill your ass. And not only via heart disease triggered by gross obesity.  If you have celiac disease, you?re better off skipping McDonalds and just putting a fucking gun in your mouth.  Not only that, but did you know that they?re called ?french? fries because the technique of slicing potatoes (or anything else, really) into long, thin strips is known as frenching.  So the name has nothing to do with the nation of France, making the whole ?freedom fries? craze a few years ago even more outrageously stupid. Freedom toast, however, is a whole different story. ...

"The Fatcats Club" 2007-03-01 16:01:29 There is a place in New York where they all hang out ? Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck, Coulter, Ingraham, Liddy when he's in town.  They have their regular table where they all sit, right in the middle of the room, where they can see everybody and everybody can see them.  They talk about whatever is happening, whatever is on their minds, so the conversation is always a little different; and yet, if you were to eavesdrop on them not just today, as we have done, but regularly, you would find each time very much like the last. Rush Limbaugh pulled a sterling silver clipper from his inside breast pocket and snipped the end of his cigar.  He lit it and inhaled a long trail of smoke up toward the ceiling.  His wooden chair creaked as he leaned back against it and said, ?My housekeeper called me this morning from Palm Beach and told me I got this letter from the town council.?  He puffed again on the cigar.  ?Seems they?ve passed an ordinance that says no one is allowed to illuminate their beachfro ...

Godspeed, Mr. Belvedere 2007-02-28 13:27:41 Mr. Belvedere, the orange fantail Ashley and I got over the summer, passed away sometime this morning while I was in class and Ashley was at work.  He?d been having a rough time the last few weeks, swim bladder problems and a recent bout with fin rot, but he hung in there for as long as he could.  I just dipped him out with the net, and gave him a nice sendoff before I flushed him.  He was Ashley?s favorite. I make too big a deal over something like this, I?m sure.  I get far too attached to simple little creatures who probably don?t even know I?m there most of the time.  He was a good fish.  I don?t know what exactly would make one a bad fish, but all Belvie ever did was swim around the tank enjoying himself.  He was funny and beautiful and he made me happy, and I?ll miss him.  The other two, Stevietta and Jackie O, are fine, flitting around the tank just as fast and bright as ever.  If they even realize Belvie?s gone, they don?t show it.  They?re oblivious to death.  All the know is ...

Bull Balls and Bare Breasts: The Anatomy of Obscenity 2007-02-27 13:59:34 Our newspaper, that grand old dame The Herald Mail, keeps tabs on the bills our representatives bring to the state legislature.  One of those representatives is LeRoy Myers, our very own delegate from Washington County.  A few days ago in its Bills of Local Interest feature, the paper printed this summary of a bill Myers recently introduced on the floor of the House of Delegates: HB 1163 - Prohibits a person from displaying on a motor vehicle a specified item that depicts or resembles anatomically correct, less than completely and opaquely covered, human or animal genitals, human buttocks, or human female breasts. The bill is a response to a complaint Myers received from a Deputy Sheriff (Matt Bragunier, a guy I went to high school with, incidentally) who said he was tired of all the fake bull testicles he sees dangling from the hitches of pickup trucks.  Myers?s father owns a beef farm nearby in Clear Spring, where for as long as anyone can remember there?s been a huge, very anatomica ...

If I wrote Scorsese's acceptance speech. (He was far more gracious than I would have been.) 2007-02-26 16:17:00 I?d like to thank my fellow members of the Academy for giving me this award when I?m 64 years old and have been directing films since the 1960s, for a film, The Departed, which ? while a terrific film ? let?s face it, isn?t exactly my greatest work.  So yeah, thanks so much for this, which isn?t too little, too late at all, and totally makes up for the fact that the year I made Taxi Driver you gave Best Director and Best Picture to fucking Rocky.  Yeah, that was a real tough one to direct.  It also makes up for four years later when you showered statuettes on Robert Redford and Ordinary People despite that fact that I was also nominated for a little film you may have heard of entitled Raging Bull.  Water under the bridge. And the fact that I?ve won the Oscar for Best Director this year, the sixth time I?ve been nominated by my esteemed colleagues, totally washes away the chagrin and humiliation of having to be there in the Shrine Auditorium in 1991 and watch Kevin Costner ? fucking Kev ...

The Best and the Shittiest of the Oscars 2007-02-25 20:54:29 The Best and the Shittiest of the Oscars The 79th annual Academy Awards are tonight, and even though most people are smart/cynical enough to know that they are meaningless and full of shit, I still find myself paying attention every year.  Since this is the first year I?ve had a blog to write for at Oscar time, I thought I would push even more unsolicited opinions on you, my tiny and no doubt highly indifferent audience, by sharing my picks for the best and worst awards Oscar has ever handed out in its nearly eight decade history.  Since the number of nominees per category has been standardized at a maximum of five since 1944, I?ll name five nominees for the Best and Worst winners in the major categories (Best Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress, and Screenplay), then anoint a Best Best and Worst Best for each.  Since I am most definitely a ?good news first? sort of fella, I?ll begin with the Best of the Best. Best Best Supporting ActorThe nominees a ...

The G-Man for Diamond Gusset Jeans 2007-02-24 21:47:20 ...

Good News and Bad News . . . 2007-02-23 20:00:00 The Good News:  Today in 1455 Johannes Gutenberg printed the first book ever using his extraordinary new invention, the moveable-type printing press!The world was revolutionized as for the first time books good be printed in large numbers without having to hand-copy manuscripts, allowing the people of Europe and eventually the whole world to better themselves through education and enrich their lives through literature.The Bad News:  That first book was the Bible.At least it was in Latin, so no one could read the fucking thing yet.  What in the hell did "Amor vestri vicinus" mean to a buncha Germans anyway?Also making this a black day in the history of mankind:  Majel Barrett was born today.Watching any one of those Lwaxana Troi episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation or Deep Space Nine is enough to inspire you toward a pro-active career in the abortion industry. ...

Britney's MySpace 2007-02-23 00:21:48 ...

The Shittiest Films Ever Made, No. 5: Time Changer 2007-02-21 19:53:18 After Monday?s syrupy sentiment and yesterday?s goofy non-article, I thought a stiff shot of bile was in order. The Shittiest Films Ever MadeNo. 5:  Time Changer This is a wonderful and Godly Christian film written and directed by the Godly writer-director Rich Christiano, who has also made such impressive films as End of the Harvest and Second Glance, all of which also carry his Biblical message of salvation through Christ.  In this film, Time Changer, Rich Christiano has made a truly exhilarating science fiction (?sci-fi?) adventure about time travel and the importance of faith in Jesus! The story begins in 1890 with seminary professor Russell Carlisle (our hero!).  He has just written a book, and his fellow professors have a meeting to determine whether or not the university will officially endorse it.  The rules say the professors must all vote unanimously in order to endorse the book, but one professor, Norris Anderson, objects because he says Dr. Carlisle?s book recommends teachi ...

With a few minutes to spare before screenplay class starts . . . 2007-02-20 23:49:13 Whoever was at this computer before me looked up the Wikipedia article on Maimonides.  No, I wasn't being nosy, it just came up in the history beneath the address bar.  I wonder what they needed to know about Maimonides for . . . more importantly, I wonder if they know the Wikipedia article is filled with inaccuracies.  I doubt they were playing much basketball in 12th century Spain.  They hadn't even invented it yet, those stupid Spaniard-Jews!  I was always taught that the Spanish-Jewish first discovered basketball in the 1930s, although by then it was too late to save them from the fascists.Off to class.  God love you. ...

My girlfriend is better than yours because . . . 2007-02-20 01:44:16 My girlfriend is better than yours because . . . . . . she had today off for Presidents Day and came to college with me so we could spend the whole day together.  It was the shit.  She hung out in the library while I sat through my Biology lecture, then we went to Uno?s for lunch and swung by Borders so we could both spend money we?d have been better off saving.  She got the new Tom Waits set, Orphans, which I?ve only heard a little of but sounds great so far, and I got Vol. 2 of the MST3K DVDs ? featuring one of my all-time favorite episodes, fuckin? Cave Dwellers, ya?ll! Waiting for class to be over so I could hang out with Ashley made Professor Brown?s lecture drone on even longer than usual.  Biology is a fascinating subject to me, and I?m sure in the right hands it could be just an awesome course.  Ashley told me she almost minored in the subject because of her first-year Biology class.  It?s not that Prof. Brown is completely incompetent, just a smidge on the inept side.  She giv ...

Superman Dailies: "The Match-Maker of Steel!" 2007-02-18 21:37:27 ...